Ryan Oshi Yoshi
Member
Posts: 8
(4/9/03 7:28 pm)
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A Glorious "how-to" essay! Comedical...watch out.
How do I get a 100 on crap like this at my yoster school? Don't ask. I'm just lucky, I guess.
Anyone here could gain some use from this.
Final Draft
How To Avoid Insanity
A Glorious “How-To” Process Essay By One Ryan-oshi
How many times have you, on your Saturday walk, thought to yourself, “I’m going insane?” You’ve probably had such thoughts at least a thousand times a day. This is a sad side effect of prolonged exposure to the mundane aspects of everyday life, or forcible contact with horrors of the modern day world. Without proper help, you could be sucked into the swirling vortex of pain and misery that consumes countless, hapless souls every waking moment of their poor, pathetic lives. What must I do to stop this terrible catastrophe of unfathomable proportions, you say? It’s quite simple, really.
First, though, before we jump into the fun house of organized “how-to” "essaydom", let us consider these terms - a term, here, meaning a word or expression that has a precise meaning in some uses - that will surely enhance your experience. Insanity, a commonly used term in a paper explaining how exactly to avoid it, means: extreme folly or unreasonableness or something utterly foolish or unreasonable. Burlap, another term you will come across, unless your depth or perception is severely distorted and you accidentally are drawn to another sheet of paper, means: a coarse heavy plain-woven fabric usually of jute or hemp used for bagging. Finally, the term infiction , not a real word but important all the same, means: something seeming real and being fake while simultaneously seeming fake and being real.
As with all helpful processes, you must first go on a scavenger hunt and possibly spend hours and hundreds of dollars trying to find the items necessary to complete the daunting task ahead of you. Don’t worry; you can do it! You will need to collect the following apparatuses: a large object with which to strike something, a bag, preferably not burlap (make sure to note this as a special defined term), twenty small paper clips, a piece of notebook paper, a mechanical pencil (not too sharp, lest you poke yourself), and a fish bowl, sans fish, water, gravel, etc. What fun this will be!
The first step, in infiction jargon, has been lovingly named Realization of Mental Degradation. Simply put, this is the stage where you identify yourself in need of some serious help. If you are to even attempt the following steps, you must admit to yourself that you are rapidly turning into a deeply, mentally insane individual. Repeat this phrase over and over again to your face in a mirror: “I’m an insane individual, and I need help; I will get help by reading the steps after step one in the helpful guide that is being generously, without cost, presented to me.” If you can’t remember that, you’re too far along.
Next, seek silence in a place of your choosing, preferably not the Gap or Dairy Queen, and bring with you a piece of notebook paper and a pencil, which you should have already. At this time, it may become necessary to sharply strike certain individuals that obstruct you in your goal of achieving this step with that heavy object you should also have with you. Once you are situated comfortably in the solitary place, begin writing; write all day long. Eventually, after you figure out you have no talent and that writing simply reminds you of your despicable, revolting approach towards insanity, you’ll snap the pencil and crumple the paper in disgust. Don’t fret; this is perfectly normal.
The third step on your merry way to enlightenment has been dubbed “Repeatable Process of a Simplistic Design.” In layman’s terms, that means grabbing your handy-dandy bag and placing all twenty of your paper clips in it. After completing this task, dump them out and start all over again, repeating until your hands crack and bleed as the rust from the aged metal embeds itself in your worn hands. Even this, after a few days, will surely fail. Don’t give up hope!
It is now time for the fourth step. This step can be referred to as “Exploring the Abstract Uses of a Plain Fishbowl.” That’s right, Mr. and/or Ms. Intelligible Individual, you get to use your coveted fishbowl. Simply pull it out of your magical bag where you should’ve been keeping all of your items and begin to mediate. Become the fishbowl, feel the fishbowl, know the fishbowl. Name your fishbowl and talk to it, telling it your deepest darkest secrets. Place your head up in it, and become Mr. and/or Ms. Fishbowl Head, secret defender of your own cause. This should keep you occupied for a few months before you will fail once again. It’s not over yet! You’re almost there!
The fifth and final step is called, “The Eventual, Ultimate Seclusion.” Throw away all your items, for they are now worthless. Run around and scream randomly, finding a cave. Beat your head against a large enough boulder until you rig a complex machine in which you can trap yourself in said cave for all time. Live off of whatever you can find, and enjoy your separation from all civilization.
Congratulations! You’ve avoided becoming insane! Doesn’t it feel great? And to think, before you read this paper, bought all those items, and lived in a cave with nothing to eat or drink, you used to go to school, meet other people, and live a “normal” life. What a fool you were! Pat yourself on the back, because you are officially a sane individual.
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