June 1st - June 19th
It's almost summer! The last few weeks of school have come, and students will need to study hard for their final exams! Don't let up yet, or your grades won't be what you want them to. Of course, the weather is almost perfect and pristine, in attempts to lure students away from their studies.
Coming Clean [3.01.09 ISO: Puck]
The rain had been pouring and whipping at the windows all day, creating a miserable dreary cast to the dark sky. Overcast was one thing. Torrential downpour was another. There was something to be said about depression caused by weather. Environment was a lot more powerful than people thought it was. But then again Tucker probably would have still been miserable even if the sun was shining with birds chirping like crazy. Because that's how it was. He was upset. He was sad. He was depressed. Okay, depressed was an exaggeration. But his relationship with Cory had ended just about a week before. Why? Because Cory had decided she didn't want to be with him anymore because he kept secrets. It wasn't THAT big of a secret. Just because he slept with a muggle girl and failed to mention it when she told him about her own summer fling. It was bullocks. Total bullocks.
Now Tucker sat in his dormitory (one of the only places that was guaranteed to be Cory-free) staring out the window. The view was dismal. Just rain and clouds. There was no thunder or lightning, which did improve his mood perhaps a little bit, but not by much. What was he accomplishing by staying there in his dormitory? Absolutely nothing. He had already finished all of his homework for the weekend. That's all he had done since Cory had broken up with him. That's all he could do. Keep himself busy and away from other people. Because other people asked questions. And Tucker didn't feel like answering any questions at the moment. As far as he was concerned, he was better left alone. With his curtains shut in his four poster.
But he had nothing to do! Boredom was undoubtedly ebbing away at every fiber of Tucker's being. He couldn't handle sitting here anymore. He wanted to do something, or go somewhere. Whichever came first. It didn't matter. Maybe he would go on a walk in the rain. Let the torrents of water rip away at his skin and soak him to the bone without a single care at all. If he got wet, he would get dry. He couldn't get pneumonia, right? And if he did, the school nurse would take care of it. Nothing was ever permanent damage in the wizarding world. Well, most of the time. Death was pretty permanent no matter where you went, unfortunately. But taking the melodramatic stance for the moment, Tucker decided death wouldn't be so bad after all. At least he could stop being so miserable, right?
Oh Merlin, he had gone off the deep end.
Pulling on a thick coat, Tucker left his dormitory, ignoring everyone in the Common Room, and walked right out the portrait hole. He was going outside, going on a walk. Letting himself get soaked without caring at all. Nothing mattered, right? He wouldn't remember getting wet and frozen a year in the future, so why should he care now?
At that thought, he pushed open the grand doors in the Entrance Hall, and stepped out into the downpour, throwing his head back to the sky to let the rain lick his face and wash him of his misery. After a few moments, he shoved his hands in his pockets and started walking along the grounds, making his way down toward the lake.
He had screwed up. He had been a hypocrite (but so had she), he had lied (but who didn't?) and he had ended up losing the girl. She wasn't the only fish in the sea. What about her made Tucker go positively crazy whenever he thought about losing her? Was she really that special? A tempestuous, moody, violent girl. She didn't sound all that great. But she was, and Tucker knew it. He was in love with her, as corny as it sounded. And she wanted nothing to do with him. Things like that could scar a boy like Tucker deeply. But he would bounce back eventually, right?
Finally arriving at the lake, Tucker found the rock. Yes, the rock. The very rock that he had found Puck Goodfellow on months before when they had their first sob story session. It was a comforting rock of wallowing, and that was where Tucker would take perch, watching as the rain poured down on the surface of the lake, disturbing the pristine silence of the water.
Naturally, by now, everyone knew what had happened between Cory and Tucker. It wasn't as though one or the other had spread things around about each other. In fact, as far as Puck knew, neither of them had released official statements about the subject. That only seemed to make the news travel quicker. In Puck's experience, the quieter one kept about a subject, the faster it spread. Puck had quite a bit of experience with rumors and news, because she was generally one of the first to hear about them. The real shocker of this information about Tucker and Cory, was that Puck hadn't found out from Tucker himself. It was only natural, for him to want to shut himself up and not say a word to anyone, but it was far more natural for him to want to cry out at the indecency of it all. After spending months pining away for Cory, only to have this happen.
Puck had tried to find Tucker before today, only to be unsuccessful. Whenever she went to his usual hang out spots, she found he was either in the library or studying somewhere else. The only times she had seen Tucker had been in public, and that was hardly a place to discuss his relationship issues, so Puck had kept quiet. She knew that she certainly wouldn't have appreciated it if Tucker had come charging in the day after she and Ashton had broken up, asking her all sorts of questions. But that had been different. Her break up with Ashton had been mutual, and Puck hardly felt that Tucker had been the instigator in this circumstance. What could have possibly made him want to break up with Cory, after trying to get back into her favor for the entire school year? Puck still had no idea who broke up with who, but she had heard stories from supporters of both sides. Of course there were people that hated Tucker because he scored all the time, and there were others who hated Cory because she was full of fire. Generally, those types stuck to the side that they hated the least. Girls stuck to Tucker, and guys stuck to Cory. Naturally.
Puck despised all of it. The gossip, the whispers. She knew that she would have hated knowing that people were talking about your latest failed relationship. To be able to look them in the eye and know exactly what they were thinking. That would have been torture. No wonder Tucker was locking himself away and studying all on his own. It was the only place where he could successfully mope. Except for one other place, that is.
It was raining, which meant that no one in their right minds would be outdoors.
Puck had left the shelter of the castle with a large overcoat and an umbrella. She had slipped into a pair of old galoshes that were an obnoxiously bright yellow color, and had almost pulled on the matching hat but decided against it. After all, she didn't want to completely destroy any good reputation she had for herself in Tucker's mind. Outside it was absolutely pouring, and Puck was a little thankful for her umbrella. It was difficult to see far enough off to the lake to see if Tucker was there, because of the dark clouds that were hanging low on Hogwarts castle. Puck clutched her umbrella, frowning and biting the inside of her mouth. Would Tucker be stupid enough to actually go out there in the pouring rain in order to escape the castle? Well, if she was stupid enough to check, he was definitely stupid enough to go. Puck took a deep breath and continued slopping through the mud, hoping that Tucker had at least brought a coat with him.
The last time they had been out at this rock, it had been raining. At least that had been a light drizzle. This was practically a flood, in Puck's mind. The wind was beginning to blow the rain horizontally, so her umbrella wasn't doing much good. Puck gripped the umbrella tighter, trying to ignore the fact that her hands were slippery from the rain. She walked slowly and laboriously, until she reached the lake. The form of Tucker seated on the rock greeted Puck's eyes. She sighed quietly when she saw him. He was soaked and he didn't even seem to notice. Puck walked slowly over to the rock, her boots slopping in the mud as she went. "Nice weather isn't it?" She inquired as cheerily as she could, sizing the rock up. She struggled for a moment, slipping and scrabbling before she successfully got ontop. She took a deep breath and sat down beside Tucker. "I had a feeling I'd find you here." Her tone was more serious now. Her eyes were locked on the lake, and she pulled her knees up until they were at her chest. She held her umbrella up over the two of them, and sat there, waiting for a response. She didn't need to say anything more at this point. Tucker knew that he could talk, or not talk, as much as he wanted.
Re: Coming Clean [3.01.09 ISO: Puck]
Tucker wasn't expecting anyone to come visit him while he was moping in the rain. After all, who in their right minds would leave shelter to come out into the rain? Tucker had an excuse. He wasn't in his right mind. No, Tucker was someone else. And he knew what he needed to do. He had to sit there and mope, get all his feelings of sadness, angst and hatred out, and then move on. As much as he didn't want to, he realized how inevitable it was. Cory had almost sworn off giving him a second chance. Why would she give him a third? She wasn't the most forgiving person in the world, so there was absolutely no guarantee that Tucker could talk her into giving them another shot. At this point, was it even worth it? Yes, he cared about her. A lot. But he was going to have to jump through fiery hoops fifty feet off the ground (without a broomstick) before she would even talk to him again! Was it worth it? No. It really wasn't. There were more girls in the castle, more fish in the sea. He could find another one that wouldn't make him have to work so hard, right?
But what if it was worth it? What if the juice was worth the squeeze? Did he care about Cory that much? Was he willing to show her that, to sacrifice everything inside of him on the alter of dignity to see if she would take him back? Was he willing to take that leap of faith and hope to God that he could fly? Would she catch him if he fell? He couldn't guarantee that. Part of taking that leap was taking a chance, but Tucker wasn't sure he ever wanted to take that chance again. He didn't want to fall, to hit the ground, and to feel miserable for the rest of his life. He wanted to be happy again, more than anything in the world. And if that meant moving on and getting over Cory, so be it. He just wished it didn't have to be that way.
A squelching sound behind him announced his company, but Tucker didn't even want to look to see who it was. Maybe if he ignored them, they would go away. If it was Cory, then he would probably just catapult himself off the rock into the water. He didn't want to face her. He hadn't faced her since their break up. He would talk to her, look at her, and he didn't even want to cross her path. Just seeing her face made him miserable. It gave him goose bumps, made his stomach drop and his heart sink. It was the worst feeling in the world! Was it even possible to feel like that when you were alive and your heart was beating? Wasn't that what a heart attack was supposed to feel like?
"Nice weather isn't it?" A familiar voice called, sounding as cheery as possible. Finally turning his head to face the newcomer, Tucker got an eyeful of Puck wearing an overcoat and yellow galoshes, holding an umbrella up over her head in vain as the rain lashed away at her face. Crawling and scrabbling her way up onto the rock, Puck joined him, holding her umbrella up over the both of them. It did help a bit, keeping Tucker from the rain, but he was too soaked for it to make much of a difference. "I had a feeling I'd find you here," Puck said, sounding rather serious. Had she really come all the way outside to find him? Did she really want to talk to him that badly? Did she really care that much? Deep down, Tucker was touched to know he had a friend like Puck that would brave all sorts of weather to come and sit on a rock with him, in silence or sound, but he was a bit too preoccupied at the moment to convey those feelings.
"So I guess you heard," Tucker mumbled, loud enough to be heard over the sounds of the rain on the lake, but with an obvious tone of reluctance in his voice. He felt that he owed Puck an explanation after she came outside just to find him, but part of him was holding back simply because he hadn't even written about it in his journal. He hated that bloody journal, but for some reason, he kept going back and writing in it. Why? He didn't know. But he had to get it off his chest, he supposed. Or else it would sit there and haunt him, rotting away at his insides in the most painful manner fathomable. "I think I'm on a roll. Two girls have dumped me this year. At least Cory didn't snog and run like Lianne did." Ha. At least.
After much deliberation, Tucker pulled his legs up toward him and rested his elbows on his knees, clasping his hands in the center. "She thinks I'm a hypocrite," he told Puck, his eyes locked on the rock below them, wondering what else he could possibly say about the whole matter.
Re: Coming Clean [3.01.09 ISO: Puck]
There was absolutely no guarantee that Tucker would tell her just what had happened, but Puck had to at least make an attempt at finding out. Not only to satisfy her own curiosity, but also because it helped to talk to someone, if not at them. Tucker had been completely broken up over Cory before, and now that it was officially over and there were no third chances, he was probably devastated. Puck wouldn't have been surprised if she had found him crying on that rock, but Tucker wasn't the type. For all she knew, the rain could have been mixing in with the raindrops as they coursed down his face, but she had no idea. And she wasn't going to ask, either. If Tucker wanted to talk to her then he would. After they talked, Puck always seemed to feel a little better. If she didn't, then she at least felt a little stronger. Puck was used to keeping things completely bottled up. She told her diary everything, but diaries couldn't talk back or give advice. All they could do was reflect your own words in grim mocking. Sometimes people didn't need advice or comfort, sometimes they only needed to talk.
Puck had no idea whether or not Tucker kept a diary, but venting to her might help even if he had one. Sometimes it helped to vent to someone you knew could listen. To someone who could respond if you needed them to. And so there Puck sat, noiseless except for the occasional squeak that her boot made against the rock she was seated on. Her hair was plastered to her face, and heavy with rainwater, but so was Tucker's. Puck wanted to watch Tucker to try and read his expressions, but she was afraid of what she might see if she tried. She had never really seen a heartbroken Tucker before. In the past when he had been torn up over Cory, there had been at least some chance of him getting back into her favor and now... Now, Puck didn't know. This was uncharted territory. Girls were forgiving enough for second chances when they messed up as Tucker had.. But to give a third chance? Some desperate girls might, but unless Tucker absolutely sacrificed himself for Cory, Puck didn't see anything happening. That is, if Tucker even wanted her. Puck still didn't know who had broken up with who...
"So I guess you heard,"
Who hasn't? Puck replied mentally, but decided that actually saying that was a little harsh. "Mm." She nodded in agreement, "I happened to catch wind of it." The news had swept the school like a tornado. Didn't people have anything better to do than follow Tucker and Cory around like lapdogs? Puck knew that the girls had been waiting with bated breath for the two to break up, but Puck had been rooting for them. Especially because Puck knew that Tucker wanted Cory more than he had wanted anything. "I think I'm on a roll. Two girls have dumped me this year. At least Cory didn't snog and run like Lianne did." Puck smiled sadly at Tucker's response. They were both on a roll. The two of them had both failed miserably as far as love was concerned. "We're a sorry pair then aren't we." Puck replied slowly, gripping the umbrella tighter with one hand, keeping her eyes locked on the drops of water as they became one with the lake in front of them.
"She thinks I'm a hypocrite,"
Puck was in silent surprise for a moment, turning to shoot Tucker a confused look. "A hypocrite?" She asked carefully, "What for...?" Puck's mind was racing through options as to why Cory might have thought Tucker to be a hypocrite, and she couldn't think of any. Naturally, she didn’t know anything about Tucker's sex life, or Cory's for that matter, so she had no reason to think that there was anything for him to be hypocritical about. As far as Puck knew, Tucker had been chasing after Cory once he realized that she was the best thing that could have happened to him. Or the worst, in light of everything that had just transpired.
Re: Coming Clean [3.01.09 ISO: Puck]"Mm." Puck said with a nod. "I happened to catch wind of it." Fantastic. Tucker could only begin to wonder what everyone was saying about the whole ordeal. Ooh yeah, that Tucker Pence screwed up big time. He's such a loser. A screw up. A failure in every single thing he does in life. Was Tucker a failure? Because he couldn't maintain a relationship with Cory? If you asked him he was a success for managing for about three months with someone as volatile as she was. There was no denying that she had her personality extremes. Everyone could see it. But that was part of what made Tucker so drawn to her. Her spontaneity. If only he hadn't made such a mess the year before. Then things wouldn't be so disastrous. She wouldn't have had her summer fling and neither would he. He may have an obsession with girls, but cheating wasn't his deal in any way, shape, or form.
"We're a sorry pair then aren't we," Puck replied slowly. All Tucker could do was nod. He knew that she had been having trouble herself where relationships were concerned. What with the nightmare Damien created. And then dating Ashton had apparently turned out to be a complete bust. Tucker wasn't quite sure where the two of them had gone wrong, but apparently dating a close friend like Ashton had been to Puck just didn't work. Maybe certain aspects of their relationship simply died when they tried to get up close and intimate. But how did that happen? Whatever happened to the theory that friends first made the best relationships? Perhaps it wasn't as true as they all claimed. Tucker didn't really know. He had never had very many close girl friends in the past. Usually they were dates first, then they broke up and decided to stay friends. So it automatically got rid of the option. Puck was really Tucker's closest female friend. And dating her would just be weird!
Puck was silent for a few moments, and Tucker feared her question. There were still things that Tucker hadn't told Puck, things that he had felt were better left unsaid. He didn't necessarily want to share all the gruesome details of his dating history, especially some aspects that were probably terrible mistakes. He had an inkling that she didn't want to hear these details either. "A hypocrite?" She asked carefully, "What for...?" She shot him a confused look, and Tucker knew that there was no way that he could back out of explaining to her what had really happened.
"Um...well..." Tucker started, not sure exactly how he wanted to phrase it. "There's things I haven't told you simply because you probably don't want to hear about it but...here goes." No use in holding it back right? There was no way in hell that he could feel more miserable than he was at the current moment, so he really had nothing to lose. "Over the summer, I uh, had this thing. With a muggle girl. And uh...it was a...well," Tucker found himself stuttering over his words, reluctant to spit the bloody truth out. "We uh...yeah." Tucker concluded. Puck would have to be dense if she didn't pick up on the connotation. We uh yeah was the universal way to imply intercourse as far as Tucker was concerned. "And I didn't exactly tell Cory about it." So that didn't sound too bad so far, right?
Tucker sighed and ran a hand through his sopping hair, wondering if he dared to continue on and tell her more. "But the thing is, I got in a fight with her over Winter Break about this muggle guy that she...uh...yeah." It sounded even worse trying to imply about Cory's dating history. Merlin, the whole thing sounded bad. In the US, they would claim "This is some Jerry Springer shit!" He would try to crack a joke with it, but he knew that Puck wouldn't understand. And now wasn't the time either. "So since I got mad at her for it but didn't tell her about Am...the muggle girl," Tucker said, trying to refrain from saying her name. It made it sound so much worse, in an odd, perverse way. "She thinks I'm a hypocrite and broke up with me." At that, Tucker sighed again, and let his eyes fall to the rock, locked upon the rough, grey texture. Well there, it was all out.
Re: Coming Clean [3.01.09 ISO: Puck]
Puck let out a quiet sigh. She couldn't only imagine what things must be like for Tucker. For her, her break ups and failed relationships had always been private. Nothing had ever come of it. Nothing was ever advertised. No one had picked sides over anything... What was it like to have your private life blasted around all about the school? It was only natural for it to be so. Tucker was popular, and a Prefect, and Cory was practically famous and the Head Girl. Such an explosive pair were noted the second they walked into the room together. Their dynamics and personalities played off each other so vividly, that people could just feel them. There wasn't any other way to describe it. And Puck had seen Tucker around Cory. The way he was completely different around her than he was around other girls who were less than she was. He hardly spared a glance to beauties passing by when they had been together (as if he would have dared) but in other relationships, his eyes had appeared the type to wander. This was well established, if only because of his reputation, and not because it actually happened.
Puck began biting her lower lip in uncertainty as she and Tucker sat. She focused on the sound of the rain hitting the water. What would Tucker and Cory have done if they had stayed together? Did Cory trust him enough to graduate and leave him alone with a school full of girls that were scheming to steal him through love potions and charms? Puck's eyes became slightly glossy and out of focus as she stared at the water, waiting for some sort of response from Tucker. She knew that she deserved none, so she expected none, but she could still hope. Even if Tucker didn't want to tell her what had happened between him and Cory, it might help him to actually say it out loud. But saying it out loud meant that it was over. That was the way Puck had felt about her history of crushes and lost loves. If she said it was over, if she acknowledged it out loud, that made it real.
"Um...well..." He was beginning, but he sounded hesitant. "There's things I haven't told you simply because you probably don't want to hear about it but...here goes." Things that he didn't tell her because she didn't want to hear it? Puck couldn't think of anything that she didn't want to hear... But she could imagine a few that she wouldn't want to confide in someone else, if she were Tucker. "Over the summer, I uh, had this thing. With a muggle girl. And uh...it was a...well," Puck kept her eyes locked on the water. Based off of the sound of Tucker's voice, she had a pretty good idea of where this was going. They.... "We uh...yeah." Right. They had obviously had sex. Not that there was anything wrong with that. Puck couldn't count the number of sexually active teens she knew on her fingers and toes. Did Cory have a problem with it? "And I didn't exactly tell Cory about it." Ah. There it was.
"But the thing is, I got in a fight with her over Winter Break about this muggle guy that she...uh...yeah." Puck cringed as Tucker relayed Cory's dating history. Not because it was awkward for her to hear about it, but because everything was clicking. They had both gotten involved with other people, and Tucker had gotten angry at her over it... When he himself had... It was all making sense. Frankly, Puck couldn't see any way that she could put a positive spin on this. "So since I got mad at her for it but didn't tell her about Am...the muggle girl," Puck began gnawing on her bottom lip as he spoke. This was certainly a sticky situation. There wasn't any way she could think of for Tucker to get back on Cory's good side. As far as she knew, no amount of apologizing could fix this. "She thinks I'm a hypocrite and broke up with me." Puck knew that if she had been in Cory's shoes, she would have done the same...
"I'm sorry Tuck." Puck finally replied after a long pause. "I don't know what to say... I'd probably do the same thing she did.... I'd say that she's probably also shocked at how you behaved when you.. yeah.. but.. I don't know if she'll forgive you. I don't even know if it's worth it to say sorry because I don't know if she'd believe you or any of that..." She sighed heavily and rubbed her eyes, because they had begun to feel tired and heavy. This was a terribly sad situation.. And Puck had no idea what she should do to help. "All I can think that you could do would be to... Just. Put it out of your mind... I guess... I'm sorry this is such lame advice---I don't even know if you want any but... I am sorry..."
Re: Coming Clean [3.01.09 ISO: Puck]
There was a long pause after Tucker's story in which Puck didn't say anything at all. Tucker had absolutely no idea what this meant. That she felt bad for him, that she was shocked and didn't know what to say... Or maybe it wasn't something like that. Maybe she thought he was such a pighead that she wanted to catapult him into the water and say Good Riddance! to all of his problems. What a mess. What a bloody fantastic mess. How was he ever going to dig himself out of this one? Maybe the plan was simple. Maybe just forget about all of it. Stop caring. Move on, and find some other girl. Honestly, Tucker couldn't wait for the school year to be over. It was only March, meaning his torture would last for a good three and a half more months. Once the year ended, however, Cory would be gone, and Tucker could come back for his seventh year fresh and new, hopefully without the lovely reputation he had spun for himself that year.
How had everything turned into such a disaster?!
"I'm sorry Tuck," Puck finally said. She could be sorry, yes, but that didn't help Tucker very much. But the sentiment was appreciated. "I don't know what to say... I'd probably do the same thing she did.... I'd say that she's probably also shocked at how you behaved when you.. yeah.. but.. I don't know if she'll forgive you. I don't even know if it's worth it to say sorry because I don't know if she'd believe you or any of that..." Puck said with a heavy sigh. Tucker felt that the inside of his throat had been burned raw. Tears were stinging in his eyes, but he didn't want to let them flow freely. He didn't cry. He couldn't cry. He was a man! Men weren't allowed to cry over petty break ups that took place during the teenage years! Everyone knew that dating as a teenager was only for one purpose. To have fun. So why did Tucker have to go and fall in love, and then mess everything up?! It didn't make sense.
"I know...I don't deserve any sympathy," Tucker finally choked out, disgusted at how pitiful his voice sounded. Croaky and betrayed. He didn't have a backbone. He had let a girl effect him so wholly that everything inside of him depended on her. It wasn't healthy. It wasn't normal. Maybe he needed to learn how to take care of himself as an individual before he could even consider dating again. Maybe he had to sit back and just deal with himself so he wouldn't let his dependency come in and botch every good opportunity that came his way. He couldn't try to heal this pain by getting another girl. As tempting as it was, he had learned in the past that it didn't help. Not that he had ever fallen this hard before. But that's what happens. That's what happens when you fall in love. You fall, and you fall bloody hard. Sometimes she's there to catch you, but if it's not right, she walks away, and you slam into the pavement, all alone to try and get yourself back on your feet again. It was a brutal cycle. Tucker wanted to kill himself for getting involved with it.
"All I can think that you could do would be to... Just. Put it out of your mind... I guess... I'm sorry this is such lame advice---I don't even know if you want any but... I am sorry..."
Tucker sat in silence, still staring forward at the lake. So that was it, wasn't it? It really was it. After everything he had been through with Cory, after all the moves he'd pulled, after everything he'd tried to get her back, this was the end. That was what the end felt like. For some reason, Tucker was beginning to feel extremely sick to his stomach, like he was going to up and retch right into the lake. How pleasant that would be. Even though Puck was sitting right next to him, he felt horribly alone. And for some reason, part of him really did want to be alone. He wanted to be alone in the rain so he could sit there and cry, and there wouldn't be anyone in the bloody world to tell him he couldn't do that because he was a MAN. Apparently having a y chromosome made you incapable of harboring feelings of sadness and dismay. But then, Tucker reminded himself, Puck was probably his closest friend. Something told him that she wouldn't tell anyone or think of him differently if he started to cry.
"I don't know what to do," he finally said. "I mean, if this is the end, then it's the end. But I don't want to end things in such a...a bad way. I do want to tell her I'm sorry, and tell her that I did...do...love her." He felt so sheepish and pathetic to say it out loud to someone like Puck. But how else could he express what he was feeling? "But I know it won't be enough. It won't ever be enough." Tucker felt like he was two feet tall. "She doesn't care about me enough to it to be enough..."
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