Just a little something......

*coughs* You're in LOVE with commas.. o___O you really didn't need so many... the pauses are really disjointed and hard to read (smoothly i mean. it's jerky and the flow feels funny. )

Quote:
his particular sort of activities, and, should the nature of his nocturnal excursions come to light,

didn't really need the "and" there. it would've sounded fine as "his particular sort of activities, should the nature of his nocturnal excursions come to light....etc etc.."

so yeah. the flow sucks. otherwise it's good. kinda vague thou of what is going on.. o__O and it's short. VERY short... did you professor have a set amount of pages or words? My Creative Writing class what is classified as a "short story" is a minimum of six pages, with either character or plot development.

Okay.. *turns FWF Vicki off* ^^; It IS good thou Eric. The descriptive words you use rock. XD

Hahaha... We're watching yoo...
Base for Dolls gotten Here.

"Shoot 'em up again boys! Aeris is comin' back on the screen!"
-Skittle Sama

Author	Comment
EmperorConstantine Lord High Hacker Posts: 2073 (3/11/03 2:49 am) Reply	Just a little something...... Yeah, it's a short story I did for Creative Writing.....Osobis is based on an RP character I use elsewhere. ....English prof only gave me a C+ for it, though. Ah, well. Enjoy. It's not as if it was a sight that was terribly uncommon. After all, a truck sitting on the side of the road by the apartment building is nothing close to unusual. Neither, for this area, anyway, is the sight of people loading boxes into the back an uncommon event. But the contents of these boxes....that, that was really quite unusual. Osobis watched from the window. Night was falling, and the air was crisp and clean. He let the curtain drop, as he turned toward the bureau that stood nearby, its polished oak surface gleaming barely in the faint light that still filtered through from the street. He opened the drawer, and removed several small metal implements, most of which had no real, legitimate use. For normal people, that is. He walked--no, glided down the stairs. Had anyone been watching, they would have sworn that his feet did not touch the stairs as he descended. Certainly, he made no noise, other than the faint airy sound of his clothing brushing against itself. He stoppedj ust before the final flight of stairs, and looked down. The boxes he had carefully stacked, full of his......new liquid assets were now gone off to their.....depository. His particular line of work was certainly enjoyable, and definitely satisfying, but the......denoument left rather a lot to be desired, at times. Osobis opened the window, and looked out. The street was, as expected, deserted. He smiled, toothily, looking, had anyone been at the right angle, positively Vampiric, his features sharp in the rays from the lamp that hung, swinging, from the bracket on the wall. He jumped across the alleyway, landing almost silently upon the fire escape of the next building. In a well-practiced ritual, he made his way to the top, silently, his passing leaving no more trace than a breath of air and a silken whisper of cloth. As he stood on the roof of this building, he looked out at his prize, halfway across the town. Tonight, he told himself, would be a rare treat indeed. The Museum was one of his favorite haunting grounds in his leisure time, but the contents were hardly worth the trouble of taking. Besides, everybody in the area knew the inventory by sight, so....dispossessing himself of any items that he happened across there, that might not be quite fastened down (especially after a judicious application of one of the small metal tools secreted about his person) would prove to be difficult, at least. The authorities took such a troublesome opinion as regarded his particular sort of activities, and, should the nature of his nocturnal excursions come to light, he would certainly be spending a great deal of time as a guest of the Governor, and would walk away with a significantly lighter heart....well, bloodstream in general In Xanadu did Kublai Khan A stately pleasure dome decree Where Alph, the sacred river, ran Through caverns measureless to man Unto a soundless sea.
Nene Don't Piss Me Off Posts: 433 (3/11/03 3:16 pm) Reply	Re: Just a little something...... coughs You're in LOVE with commas.. o___O you really didn't need so many... the pauses are really disjointed and hard to read (smoothly i mean. it's jerky and the flow feels funny. ) *Quote:* his particular sort of activities, and, should the nature of his nocturnal excursions come to light, didn't really need the "and" there. it would've sounded fine as "his particular sort of activities, should the nature of his nocturnal excursions come to light....etc etc.." so yeah. the flow sucks. otherwise it's good. kinda vague thou of what is going on.. o__O and it's short. VERY short... did you professor have a set amount of pages or words? My Creative Writing class what is classified as a "short story" is a minimum of six pages, with either character or plot development. Okay.. turns FWF Vicki off ^^; It IS good thou Eric. The descriptive words you use rock. XD Hahaha... We're watching yoo... Base for Dolls gotten Here. "Shoot 'em up again boys! Aeris is comin' back on the screen!" -Skittle Sama
EmperorConstantine Lord High Hacker Posts: 2074 (3/11/03 11:29 pm) Reply	Re: Just a little something...... Argle.....damn ezboard.....that's only the first partial page. There's a bunch more, but it seems that it didn't want to post. ......fsck. .....that is gramatically correct, though. 'n I wanted it to be disjointed, rather. ......'ll post the next installment in the morning.....too tired now to wrestle with it....... In Xanadu did Kublai Khan A stately pleasure dome decree Where Alph, the sacred river, ran Through caverns measureless to man Unto a soundless sea.

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