Ness Farseer
Ness(a)
Farseer
Innocent, Androgynous,
Crossdressing Peacemaker of
MHS
Posts: 399
(5/7/06 11:36 am)
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Know that feeling...?
EDIT: Here's the song...
You know that feeling where you feel REALLY crappy? No, I mean crappier. Like you want to rip off people's heads, piss down their exposed throats, and laugh uncontrollably as they weep in pain as you mangle their tortured body further. Like that, but crappier. And the worst part is, you don't know why you feel so crappy. Anyway, that's how I feel at the moment. And for the life of me, I can't point at any single specific fucking thing that made me feel so crappy.
There are times I feel like a fucking pressure cooker that builds up for a couple of months, at first not making any sound as the pressure builds up. Then when it becomes real tight in there, little squeals sound, which is like what is happening to me now. And then comes the last straw and you blow up. Not that you hurt someone, but just that you have such an emotional outburst that makes you feel all drained and empty inside. And then you start the fucking cycle again. I mean, WTF?? This CAN'T be a good way to live life. But no matter how much I look around, I feel like a cornered animal with nowhere to run and nowhere to hide, ready to try to gnaw its own leg off if it would help break the damn cycle, but not doing so because A. it would hurt a lot, and B. it wouldn't break the fucking cycle.
And so, now I'm waiting for the fucking outburst to happen during which I'll go all introspective for a period of time (prolly a few hours) during which I'll feel even crappier and hate the whole world, after which, having dumped my emotional load, will feel better. But all these little shitty details keep on building up--getting kitchen duties dumped on me when they had nothing to do with me and everyone knows I hate the fucking kitchen duties, being fucking jetlagged for the last couple of fucking days, the voice of people grates on my nerves, not getting any (you know what) in a LONG-ASS time, and my computer having exploded (the power supply went, taking out the motherboard with it, and some of the other shit inside), and my mom bitching about how if I was more responsible and organized I'd have my cellphone with me instead of it being kept in customs, forcing me to go to the airport tomorrow and waste one of my precious days of vacation from the military. And the sudden fucking humidity-filled heat that makes you immediately begin taking a sweat-bath if you walk outside doesn't help much either. That, and a bunch of things that bother me from moment-to-moment, but that go as quickly as they come, irritating me for a moment before being replaced by something even more annoying.
*Sigh* I thought this post might help, but it hasn't really--and I can't find a song I like that shows exactly how I feel, so I just chose one that I like that is fairly close--tho I'd never hurt myself physically--I mean, what's the point? You don't get any pleasure out of it, it hurts, and it doesn't help anything. I'm a natural hedonist, and until someone proves to me that you can have more pleasure in the afterlife (or even that there is one) than you can have here, I think I'll stay alive, thank you. As soon as it finishes uploading, I'll put it at the top of the post...
Edited by: Ness Farseer at: 5/7/06 12:33 pm
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