June 1st - June 19th
It's almost summer! The last few weeks of school have come, and students will need to study hard for their final exams! Don't let up yet, or your grades won't be what you want them to. Of course, the weather is almost perfect and pristine, in attempts to lure students away from their studies.
"Remember, always give your best. Never get discouraged. Never be petty. Always remember, others may hate you. But those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself."
A small red brand spanking new diary lays hidden inside the depths of an ancient worn out sock. The pages are to be filled with quotes, thoughts, and dreams of Lucian Bishop
I'm really disappointed to say that my journal... Well... Went up in flames a few weeks ago, and I haven't had a chance to get another one. See, the problem was that I took it down with me to the Great Hall to write down a few lyrics for a song that I've been writing... It wasn't anything super private so I figured that I could just take it down there and work on it. I kept it in my book bag so that I could pull it out from time to time to write down lyrics as they popped into my head (writing a song is really hard work!) but then.. Some of the sixth year Slytherins wanted to know if they could have a look at it, and I didn't tell them it was a diary so they wouldn't be tempted to look through the other pages (not that I think they would but I mean it had stuff about Temper in it...) and so they did and... Well they had a good long laugh about the lyrics and then set my diary aflame. I think it was kind of a mean thing for them to do because it means that I have to rewrite the song again, not like it's so hard because I had it in my mind anyway... But still it was mean of them...
But it's not a good idea to sit around here and mope. I have a new diary! On our last trip to Hogsmeade, I went into one of the stores and purchased it. I made sure to get one with a lock to keep people out--this one is a magical lock though it doesn't open to just ANY wand, which is really awesome. I think I needed a little added security because I might write stuff about Temper in this... Not that I'm saying anyone would read it, but, you know, just for her sake. I don't want to be the one to let this relationship get out in the open. Speaking of which, someone found out about us. Temper and I were... Well, having a meeting in an empty classroom. We haven't had much time for each other lately, and it's really hard.... So we were really desperate for some alone time, and I guess that I didn't close the door behind me, so then Puck, a Gryffindor, came in and... Well, she saw us when we were hugging and... Well... She swore she wouldn't tell anyone, and I really believe her. I think Temper was a little skeptical though.
But really I think Puck understood our situation. She's a good hearted Gryffindor, so she wouldn't set out to ruin either of our lives (though, I did get the vibe that she would like nothing better than to hang Temper out to dry). Anyway.... I trust that Puck won't tell anyone. It is weird having someone have blackmail on you. I never thought that I'd be in a situation like this, but I guess it's because that's what happens when you get involved in a relationship where everything has to be a secret...
Speaking of which, I'm really worried about other people who are less understanding find out about us. I mean, Temper ignores me beautifully in the halls, and I do my best not to look at her (but even if I did I don't think anyone would notice, because everyone looks at her anyway). But really I'm starting to get even more worried about all those other guys. The only reason I'm jealous of them is because they can act openly towards Temper. They can flirt with her as much as they want, they can even force her into a bear hug, but I can't even stop to say hello... I brushed by her in the school halls the other day and I was absolutely itching to whirl around and say hello, but I couldn't. It was so hard to keep from looking at her as we passed! Sigh...... Thus is the life of Lucian Bishop!
A lot of things have been happening at Hogwarts. Some of them I don't feel comfortable mentioning right now.. Like.. Devon.. Hm. And um. Headmistress McGonagall collapsed at the feast a while ago, when she announced all of the upcoming events. I think it might be because she's really old, but a lot of the students are whispering about a conspiracy, especially after taking a look at our new Headmaster. But.. The festivals look promising! Even in light of the horrible events. There is the Mischief Carnival on the 30th, which looks like a LOT of fun. The groundskeeper and a few other helping hands have been working practically day and night over on the school grounds. We're not allowed to go down and check the progress, because they think that we'd interfere with the workers... Honestly I have no problem with that, because I don't want to be squashed by the ferris wheel they're putting up! I can't wait for the festival. I'm going to have a dozen candied apples!!!!
But that's not the only thing that's planned for the school, they're also holding a Masque in Hogsmeade! I mean, I knew about the celebration, and I knew the location... But the fact that she announced it to everyone means that it's almost time! Oh dear, now I'm getting nervous about it and it's only the 28th! Stop thinking about it Lucian! You've had plenty of practice.... It's true, I really have. I've been working with Armand, he's a seventh year Slytherins. You know, for all their bad reputations, the Slytherins are really nice to me. I don't know why everyone thinks they're so mean! I mean first of there's Temper, and then there's Armand! They're not as scary as everyone makes them out to be...
Well. Armand is, because. Well. He likes boys. And that thing with Devon made me scared of boys who like boys. Girls are scary enough! Now I have to be scared of boys too? Really. What a strange world. But Armand is kind of growing on me if you know what I mean, he's a nice sort of fellow.. He seems kind of out of it sometimes though. He's been helping me out a lot, since he's kind of a professional singer. He's been helping me pick out a bunch of different costumes for the stage performances! Although I really think that there's too much black and too many tight pants, but he seems to know what he's doing... I was really against wearing the tight shiny leather pants, but he convinced me that that's what all the decent professionals wore, and I guess they look okay, they're just a little uncomfortable. Aside from wardrobe, Armand and I have been working together rehearsing for the performance! He has lots of good tips for me. I can't wait for Halloween!! It's going to be so exciting!
What else do I have to say? ...
Hmm...
I miss Temper.
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
Re: (*Pen on Paper*) The Memoirs of Lucian BishopNovember 1, 2008
Wow...
I'm so out of it right now.. I can barely remember what's happened for the past few days. Why? Because I got sloshed with a certain Armand D'Angelo. What's WRONG with me? Why the heck did I do that? Mmf. Now I'm just.. Totally out of it. I think I'm going to go to bed after I do this. I'm so worn out for some reason, though I slept like a rock. I think I had a nightmare. Dun remember what it was about.
Um. So the Mischief Carnival.. Wow... Temper and I snuck away to the Forbidden Forest! Can you believe this is me saying this? SNUCK INTO THE FORBIDDEN FOREST!... It was heavenly. But I everything seems so weird. I don't want to think about it... I just want to think about how amazing everything is right now. I'm friends (I think) with Armand (even if he likes boys), and I have a wonderful girl (Temper)..
Please don't let things change.
So the concert was a blast. Armand said they loved me. It was kinda fun wearing those weird clothes even if they were a bit uncomfortable. Haha, maybe I should dress like that more often (not). But I had fun turning my hair all different colors, except now it's stuck as burgundy until I buy shampoo from Hogsmeade. Blah. Oh yeah, last night. Um. so it was the Masque. I played, I was a hit. People complimented me. And then Armand celebrated by stealing whiskey (well, HE did the stealing), and.. Um.. Oh yeah, so we stole it and got 'bloody pissed' as he put it. It was funny to begin with, but then I think he might have kissed me.. He said we didn't kiss or shag... Mmf. But I don't know, I keep THINKING that he did. I don't know why! Anyway. It was fun for a while but then it got depressing. I started bawling over Temper... I barely remember it, but I know I was crying for a long time. My bloodshot eyes are proof. So then I guess I must have passed out and I woke up this morning with my head in his lap.
If that isn't embarrassing I don't know what is.
I put his legs to sleep so I feel bad about that...
Mmf.. I'm going to crash now. I can't really think straight. Still kinda.. woozy and out of it.
Re: (*Pen on Paper*) The Memoirs of Lucian BishopNovember 8, 2008
Things changed.
I don't know what to say, I don't know what to think. Things with Temper... They've been different lately. Ever since Armand's birthday party on the 3rd. She hung all over me in public--I think she was a little drunk. And I can see what that's done to her. And to me. Something changed. I'm scared of what's going to happen next.... It's like I can feel that we're about to go on different paths. I don't want to.
What do I do?
At least I have Armand to talk to. I don't know what I'd do without him now that he's one of my closest friends. Honestly I don't know how it happened, but we've become pretty close. We keep sending private messages to each other and we keep running into each other on accident (and on purpose, but I think it's more fun when it's an accident because it means one of us might tackle the other which I've decided is really fun).
I wonder if Armand knows that my mystery girl is Temper?
I wonder if there's anyone I can set him up with--he looks lonely...
I wonder if he finds me attractive too.
... I wonder why I'm even wondering that!
Stop being so strange Lucian! You have Temper.... Sort of.
Gah I'm confused now. Maybe it's better not to think about my thoughts.
Re: (*Pen on Paper*) The Memoirs of Lucian BishopNovember 13, 2008
We broke up yesterday and I was ok.. but now....
I don't even know what to think.
I need to talk to someone, now.
I just went to see Armand...
Now I'm REALLY confused...
I told him how I felt about everything--and when I say everything I mean everything... Merlin my head hurts. I feel like crying again. I told Armand something that I hadn't really even told myself yet. That I like him. A lot. I'm not bi... He's just special... But I just got out of a relationship with Temper and now I'm so confused. Was I cheating on her in my head when I was thinking about Armand? How is it possible for someone to like two people at once? I feel like--well, a slag. Is it possible for guys to be called slags? Oh well. It doesn't matter. But really. I really.. Really like Armand.. And I told him and he likes me too.
And he kissed me. Pushed me up against a wall and kissed me. I start to shiver again just THINKING about that.
But Temper broke up with me just yesterday! And now? No. I told Armand that I needed some things to sort out first, because I couldn't just jump into another relationship after getting over my first. It's just not right. So I'm going to wait for a few weeks. Until I feel that I'm ready. Until then, I think I might have to avoid Armand or I might accidentally kiss him.
Re: (*Pen on Paper*) The Memoirs of Lucian BishopDecember 7, 2008
I'm absolutely exhausted. I spent most of the day romping around in the snow with Armand, though I seem to vaguely recall something about a bigger snowball fight going on around us. I don't even know how it started, I just kind of walked in on things when Armand happened to be there. I couldn't resist throwing a harmless little snowball at him. So I did, and it hit him! He looked pretty surprised to see me throw a snowball, but I had a lot of practice. Especially with siblings like mine (no offense to John or Amy or anything....) and I think it helps that I practice a lot of Quidditch. Maybe. It feels like I haven't flown in forever. Maybe I'll go out early tomorrow and fly around, I haven't decided yet. But yeah. He threw a snowball at me and we wound up on the ground wrestling around a little. I hope I don't get sick. I forgot to put my mittens on when I got out there, so I didn't put them on until later so I might start getting a cold... I can almost feel the sniffles coming on.
I absolutely hate getting sick. I haven't got a very good immune system to begin with so when I get sick, I get sick. I remember last summer I was stuck in bed for weeks when I got a fever and a weird form of stomach flu. The downside of having muggle parents. They don't really trust magical remedies. Now that I'm at Hogwarts I should be okay. I just need to get a healing something from Nurse Terry if I get sick. Speaking of Nurse Terry.
I got to know him, because I spent a lot of time in the Hospital Wing because of Armand's broken fingers. Yes. Broken fingers. Armand got in a fist fight with his best friend, Bryce. Give you one guess what it was about. That's right. Me. I feel absolutely awful, because they're best friends and it's all my fault! Sometimes I think that Armand would be better off without me. People are saying I'm just a "Boyfriend of Convenience". That the fast-paced Armand is just keeping me around so that he can use me and take advantage of me. Well you know what? Screw you! (oh dear I can't believe I wrote that... Should I scratch it out? Maybe later). It's my relationship, not yours! So just mind your own business. (I think Armand might be a bad influence on me, haha... John's going to be surprised that I'm acting this bold in front of people other than him). Actually I haven't told John, or anyone in my family, about Armand, because I'm afraid of what will happen if I do. What if they forbid me from seeing him? I can't just break their rules and keep seeing him even if they can't watch me and my actions 24/7. I'd feel way too guilty. Better not to tell them and just pretend that it's okay with them. Yeah.. Though I bet they'd be pretty shocked.
He's eighteen. Eighteen. Merlin's beard, I'm dating an eighteen year old. Weird.
Actually it's kind of weird thinking of me dating people in general, much less someone like Armand. Temper was... Different. Weird. We had feeling for each other, but were we really a couple? Were we really dating? What defines a couple? The way they feel, or the way they act around others? Or is it both? ... I should stop thinking before I get too complicated for myself (haha).
My mittens are hanging up to dry from being soaked in the snow. Actually a lot of my clothes are wet now from rolling around outside. Man it's cold out there. I think my fingers were turning blue before I finally managed to get my mittens on. Not that Armand wasn't doing his share to keep me warm (okay, so he was just trying to tackle me, but it still kept me warm). Which reminds me. I'm getting worried now. Is there such a thing as being too attached to the person you're dating? I don't know.. I don't have any experience with this. Nothing that really counts anyway... I'm not talking obsession or infatuation. Those are supposed to be really bad. But like. I want to know everything about Armand because I think that the more time I spend with him the more I like him. Is that bad? Are you supposed to reach a certain level of liking and just stop there? If so, how do you stop?
Wait, what if Armand gets tired of me if I pry? Not that I'd ever pry. But If i think about Prying.. Not that Armand can read my thoughts, but you know what I mean! What if he gets tired of me?
Maybe he's better off without me? He might not act like it, but he probably hates having everyone in his house hate him. Even people in Ravenclaw give him and me strange looks when we walk down the halls together... Maybe he doesn't really want to be with me anymore...
I've gone and ruined my good mood...
Stupid, if he didn't want to be with you then he wouldn't hesitate to end it! So stop being so gloom-faced!
Everything is getting better, I think. Though I can't shake this strange feeling.. I know that I still don't know very much about Armand. Every time we talk, we just spew words, it seems. He never really says anything about himself... But I guess I can't blame him. He's been hurt in the past. It's only natural that he should hide. Really, it's reasonable. I wouldn't want to share myself with anyone I'm sure if I had been what he's been through. Alcohol. Drugs. A messy band break up.
I can't blame him. Really. Honestly. I can't. It's not right for me to want to know everything. I don't need to, right? I shouldn't expect it. I'm just being stupid for wondering.
But then why does it seem so unfair?
Am I loud and clear, or am I breaking up?
Am I still your charm, or am I just bad luck?
Are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost?
I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words
We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand
I've been here so long, I think that it's time to move
The winter's so cold, summer's over too soon
Let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow
I've got some friends, some that I hardly know
But we've had some times, I wouldn't trade for the world
We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go
We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand....until you hold my hand
I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words
We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand
Swing life away
Swing life away
Swing life away
Swing life away
Re: (*Pen on Paper*) The Memoirs of Lucian BishopDecember 16, 2008
Christmas Social later tonight (AAH I HAVE NO CLEAN NICE CLOTHES! What do I do??!)! Yay! I can't wait! I'm a little disappointed that we won't be having our annual full blown Christmas Ball thing, but with all the junk that has been going on around Hogwarts this year, I'm not surprised that they turned things down a bit.
To summarize the way things have been going.. Well, a few students at Hogwarts have died. One of them was a Ravenclaw named Vaila, and then there were a few other people, some of which I played Quidditch against... I was really depressed for a while, because of all the deaths, but then I realized that wherever they are, they're in a better place where they don't have to worry about disease or death (because they're already dead). They don't have to worry about hunger or danger, or even really bad paper cuts. They must be in a place of paradise, because they don't have to worry about ANYthing. I can't even imagine what it would be like not to have anything to worry about. Realizing that just made me think about a lot of things, and realize that I'm going about life all wrong. I don't think I can change though. I want to, but I don't think I'm strong enough to change habits that have gone on for fifteen years.
Like worrying. Even when things are going fine, I'm worrying about when they'll explode. I haven't had very much drama in my life, but I at least know that just when things get better, they'd going to blow up in your face. I'm not sure why that is, and I'm sure there's a good reason, but I realized that I'm ALWAYS worrying about something. If it's not homework, then it's whether I'm making Armand happy, and if it's not whether I'm making Armand happy, it's if I'm going to be insulted in the hallways. I'm always worrying, and it's really tiring me out. I won't be surprised if I have tons of gray hairs by the time I'm an old man. Not that I wouldn't mind the silver look, because it can look pretty good on some people if they're lucky and I wouldn't try to change my appearance just because I'm afraid of getting old---but now I'm off topic. I guess... I wish I wouldn't worry so much, and I'd normally say "I'll change!" But I know I can't. No matter how many times I SAY I'll change something, it never seems to happen. Like when I tried to give up chocolate. I SAID I wouldn't have it anymore, but then Halloween came around and BOOM. Chocolate. Why can't I stick to what I say I'll do? Is it because I'm wishy washy?
Is it possible to try to not be wishy washy, or will I be wishy washy about being wishy washy and therefore keep being wishy washy?.... Man it's tiring thinking about all this stuff.
I got an owl letter from John the other day, I'll paste it in.
December 14, 2008
Dear Luci,
Where the hell are you? Are you still at Hogwarts or have you disappeared into an abyss of nothingness? I haven't gotten one bloody owl from you for months! Don't expect a Christmas present from me if you can't even take the time to send me one ruddy owl. Slacker. Go die somewhere.
But seriously now, where have you been? I don't remember 5th year being that tough before the December break, and the last owl I got from you was back in SEPTEMBER. BLOODY SEPTEMBER. You had better send me something. You used to send me owl letters at LEAST twice a month. I know what it is, you hate your big brother don't you? After all I did to raise you (am sobbing profusely). This is the thanks I get eh?! You must hate me if you're not even SPEAKING to me anymore! Your only big brother who loves you with all of his crooked little heart!
Really. Send me an owl you bloody git.
--J
P.S. SEND ME AN OWL!
I think he wants me to update him on things, but I don't know what to do. How am I supposed to tell him about Temper? How am I supposed to tell him about Armand? He'd fall down DEAD if I told him that I was dating another guy, especially a guy who was in school the same time he was. He graduated a while ago, but Armand would have been around. Maybe a second year? Or a third? Must figure that out... But either way, Armand has a reputation and if John finds out he'll tell mum and mum'll flip and dad will blow his top and Amy... Well.. She'll say "I told you so". What am I supposed to do? I can't lie to him... I hate telling lies. And I'm so BAD at it... WHat should I do? I'm so torn. Tell John or don't tel him. Armand isn't supposed to be a secret, but it is a WHOLE different thing when it comes to family. I mean, I never really thought about how I would tell them because... Well I don't really know. How do I tell them? Do I just tell them this is a phase?
... I don't want it to be a phase though... I'm really starting to like Armand... A lot. I don't want to JINX it by saying "It's just a phase" and then having it immediately turn out to be (worrying again....) I don't think they'd understand how I feel if I told them. I've never been very close to my parents. But it'd be worse to tell John because I AM close to him... What if he weirds out on me and starts treating me like I'm a complete gay? What if he starts feeling uncomfortable around me... What if he stops inviting his friends over because he'll afraid I'll oggle them or something?... I just don't know what to do. Who knew that being with a person I care about would be so complicated? You'd think that you could just find a person you have feelings for, and just BE.
What do I do?... Boo this sucks.
It makes me just want to curl up in front of a fire with a giant blanket and sit there.
Oh yeah, I was updating about Hogwarts wasn't I? Well, there's been.... A disease, going around. Some sort of plague that's been infecting students in mass quantities. I got lucky, and it missed me and Armand, but a lot of people have gotten really sick. Some people are confined to beds, others are covered in boils... People are talking about there being foul play involved in this. But who would do such a thing? What would someone gain by infecting students with a disease? Just to kill them off? Seems petty to me. I don't think that anyone is behind this.. Who would--or COULD do this??
Sigh...
Um.. Yeah so there's also a band being put together... I'm kind of excited (okay, REALLY excited) but I feel awful. I sort of made Armand come with me to the meeting... I just wanted to see if maybe he'd open up to me more if we did more out-of-couple stuff together.. You know, acted like friends AND a couple. He's still not really teling me anything about ANYthing and it's really starting to stress me out, which makes me feel worse! I have no right to know! Why do I care so much about his past!? He shouldn't have to.. I don't deserve to know... But I still WANT to. I feel like such a horrible person for just trying to make him open up a little more!... But he seemed like he wasn't having any fun... Sigh... Maybe he's still haunted by Bobby? Did he REALLY care about Bobby THAT much? Maybe he's just torn about being in another band because his last one broke up...
.... Did he love Bobby? It would make sense.. Like.. Love-love kind of love?...I can't remember if he told me he did... Did he? Sometimes I wonder what Bobby was like. Was he like Armand? Fast, loose, and wild? Was he like me? I don't think so... I don't know what to think about the whole... Bobby thing. I feel terrible for Armand, especially if he loved Bobby. I know what it's like to lose someone that you're in love with when you're not ready to break things off, and it doesn't look like Armand was ready. ....
You know, it's weird. Sometimes I find myself wondering if Armand compares me to Bobby. Or any of his past partners for that matter. Am I a good kisser? Does he like spending time with me? Am I annoying? What was Bobby like? What would Bobby have done in certain situations? Does Armand wish I was Bobby? Am I a substitute for the real thing? I sort of worried about this with Temper.. But everything was so new I was so blown away by it all that I couldn't really sit down and think about it. This relationship with Armand.. I don't know why, but I'm really worried about it. I'm afraid of screwing up and messing things up for us forever. I feel that we're in this really brittle and fragile place right now. A part where we've almost been together for a month, and we're done testing the waters. Like we're deciding if we really want to stick together because we still feel the same that we did before, or if we find the other person so irritating that we want to break it off. It's like walking on egg shells. And not even the strong dragon egg shells either. Ones that crack easily. Is this normal?
I know I don't feel the same way about Armand than I did when we first got together, because I think my feelings for him are stronger now... But I feel further away from him, if that makes sense. Am I being pushed away? Am I pushing myself away?
.... I should go before I completely depress myself. I never used to do this!! What's wrong with me?!.. Relationships are confusing.
Re: (*Pen on Paper*) The Memoirs of Lucian BishopDecember 16, 2008
Haha.. Maybe I don't have to worry about telling my family about Armand.... We might be broken up soon, if we aren't already...
Starting over.
I saw Armand at the social and I KNEW something was up but I tried not to think about it, but I should have asked him right then and there. I just didn't want to think anything was wrong. I thought he was over his Christmas gloom and filled with holiday cheer. Was that the case? No, It was fake happiness, like usual.
Armand and I snuck away to the Prefect bathrooms and he pushed me into the swimming pool sized bath... Then things got a little rowdy, but everything was fine. Until we started kissing...
Armand get carried away and one thing led to another and I stopped him and pushed him away... And there was something wrong. It was like. He hadn't realized what he was doing. Like he was somewhere else. Or like it wasn't HIM I was dealing with that night. So then he finally said that old habits die hard.. And I knew it was a lie so I called him on it.. And he told me the truth. Guess what the truth is?
Bobby.
Some stupid old friend of his sent back a stupid old ring that he had given to stupid old Bobby. Sent it back to Armand. And so Armand was in pieces about it. Bobby is an EXBOYFRIEND Armand! Get you act together! I mean I can be understanding, he was you first love or whatever, but if I had given Temper something and she gave it back I wouldn't go crazy with my NEW boyfriend!.... I'm tired of being understanding now. I know that his relationship with Bobby was probably more involved or whatever than mine with Temper but I'm TIRED of it. I'm just so TIRED. I'm supposed to be Armand's boyfriend now, aren't I? Aren't I enough to make him happy? Am I the only one making an effort? Yes.... I'mm the only one in the relationship. It's like everyone in the school says, I'm just his boytoy. I'm a filler. I'm a replacement. You know why?
Because he loves Bobby still.
He said he didn't but I don't believe that. How can I, when he acted the way he did? HOW CAN I?.. I can't.. I just can't. It's too obvious that he loves Bobby still... Which makes me... Absolutely nothing. I don't expect him to love me.. Because I don't love him--but I do expect him to CARE about me even a little... I mean.. I wouldn't mind him being in love with Bobby if Bobby could share a little bit of Armand with me. But as it is I put my heart into the relationship and don't get a heart in return. I get cuddles, I get kisses, I get tackled. But that's it. I don't get Armand. Not even a single little tiny piece of him.
The worst part was that he finally told me something about him. He finally told me an intimate detail about his life, and I couldn't do anything to help him. I just sat there dumbly like I had been petrified. I couldn't even say anything. So he got up and left. He just.. Left and I couldn't help him, I couldn't stop him. And now I don't know how I can face him.
After he left I broke down a little and just sat there underwater until the mermaid giggles began driving me mad so I left and came up here.
Re: (*Pen on Paper*) The Memoirs of Lucian BishopDecember 31, 2008
Merry Christmas Happy New Year. How am I spending my New Years Eve? In bed. Sleeping. That's right, I'm going to go to bed early. Sleep. Maybe next year will be better than this one. I just thought I should make my last 2008 entry before it's no longer 2008...
These past few weeks have been complete and utter... Crap. After that thing with Armand and just.. The Train Crash and.. The Kidnapped students and... Wow life really sucks.. I'm trying to look on the bright side but---
I haven't talked to Armand since the Social. I've been avoiding him and I think he's been avoiding me. On Christmas though I got up my courage to talk to him. I was going to give him his present... I saw him in the halls and he was heading off down a passageway... I followed him but he didn't see me and then he kind of.. Blew up. Broke stuff in the hallways... I didn't know what to do. I got scared and then I looked away and he was gone. I don't know where he went-- I don't know what to do. It's like... If I avoid him he can't talk to me. If he can't talk to me he can't break up with me (Hah). I'm too scared to even check our secret message place (not that he'd write anything to me anymore anyway) but... I don't know what to do.. I'm so miserable.. I can't see how anything good will come out of this...
I have to talk to Armand.. I have to!
... I might as well update on Christmas.
Didn't spend it with Armand. Got presents. Gave presents. Got letters. I got an Owl from Amy. Apparently she's doing some freelance designing. Thanks for Telling me John =P Since October she's been in India observing fashion for the new 'bohemian fashion' that's apparently popular with Muggles. African-Indian-Asian look. Now she's in Japan, and then she'll be heading off to Africa. Who knew that her dressing me up as a kid would lead to her becoming a fashion designer. Hah. Laurel's got good grades so far. Simon is showing signs of magic but Mum says it's too soon to tell. Dad is busy with work.. Apparently Amy is helping him out by sending him money but he's too proud to take it so Mum's been putting it into an education fund for Laurel. John still doesn't have work (NOT SURPRISING). Yeah...
Presents From John Book on cleaning Broomsticks (awesome present I think), Chocolate frogs (my favorite!) From Mum: A card, a new sweater (NonAmy), and a new watch (A winding watch!! Which means no batteries!.. Not sure how to make it work though... It seems stuck on eleven o clock) From Dad: A pair of new black boots (Helpful in the snow!) and a CD (I wonder if he knows CD players don't work in Hogwarts...) From Amy: Some weird hat thing.. Beanie maybe (from India?) and some weird japanese Candy. Maybe I'll ask Nanami what it is. (Looks good though) From Laurel: A stuffed bear (Cute! It has a little red bow around it's neck) From Simon: A blue football ball (kinda small, but fun to toss around)
Gifts I gave others
John: New chess pieces (his were old) Mum: Permi-flowers (Never wilting!) Dad: Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans (Haha.. They freak him out) and a new talking tie (his old one only hums now) Amy: Year membership to Wizarding Fashion Magazine(maybe she'll get some ideas for muggles) Laurel: A toy pony that gallops (Really pricey) Simon: Chocolate frogs (he loves those things) Armand: ... well I couldn't.. Give it to him.. But I had Amy make a scarf for him.. I told her it was for me.. But.. erm.. Well.. It's a black and green Scarf with a Red "AD-C" on the end. I told her "AD-C" meant something Wizard that she couldn't understand... And... I don't really know what to do with it. Fefe: A santa hat with flashing green and red lights (well she doesn't celebrate it but she enjoys stuff like that).. Devon: A Yellow Ever-bouncing-bouncy-ball (I can see him chasing it for hours.. hehe) Alex: Broom Tips and Tricks (Well she's the new captain and... Well... I think I should get to know more people) Binx: Cat ear headband (I got Puck to enchant them so that they twitch.. Hehe..) Puck: A pack of sugar quills (to keep her mind off of how bad note taking is)
And then I ran out of money! Good thing there aren't any more holidays for a while. Sigh... I don't know what I'm going to do about Armand!
Must.. Take.. Mind.. Off of.. Broken..Love life...
New years Resolutions!! RIGHT!
1) Be less Wishy Washy (Pansy I am NOT!)
2) Have more Courage (See number 1)
3) Write 1 song/poem per month (Keep Creativity flowing)
4) Buff up (For quidditch. Possibly to keep Armand interested)
5) Somehow acquire new clothes (No more handme-downs!)
6) Stop growth spurts somehow so that I do not have to KEEP buying new clothes (.... Consult Nurse about this one)
7) Write John more (So he doesn't get suspicious)
8 ) Save Relationship with Armand (VERY IMPORTANT)
9) Practice vocal warmups for E.F. (Do not let the members down)
10) Make More Friends (Hopefully)
11) Do All Homework (Hopefully)
12) Ace all OWLs (.... Really big hopefully)
13) Be less of a mess (YES!)
14) Be more optimistic (See number 10)
15) Do not worry as much (see numbers 1 and 2)
16) Focus on the moment and not the future or the past (See number 15)
Merlin I'm feeling better. Normally I would have come back and updated on things but... I've been a bit busy with everything and it's been great.
Oh yeah. That Resolution number eight? Check that one off the list. ACCOMPLISHED! I didn't really save it, but it doesn't matter. It got saved, and that's all I care about.
This entire time I've been a complete idiot. I've been assuming that all of Armand's problems were about Bobby, but they weren't. They were about Bobby, his Dad, his whole screwed up family actually, and me. Yes. Me. Me because of Bobby, if that makes sense.
I don't really remember a lot of what was said because.. Well it was really hard to stand there and just... Listen and talk. But trust me I didn't seem to have any trouble giving Armand words. I found him in an empty classroom.. I was looking for a private place to sulk, and there he was. Smoking gillyweed and drinking alcohol. He was completely drugged. He looked like.. A skin. Not even a person, a skin. And One thing led to another and he said that it had been too hard to fight against everything and..
Then I yelled at him for like. Ten minutes straight.
I don't know what came over me. I know that I nearly passed out from all the blood rushing to my head. But really, something just snapped. I think it was because he was just sitting there, drinking and smoking... And so I really let him have it. I felt terrible afterwards but... Well I'm not going to go into all that.
Basically what happened was that he told me that he DOES care for me, he just never had anyone to count on before. And he loved Bobby, he said, but it was just fake love and he realized that in the month that we were avoiding each other. But... Well I guess that's all I have to say about that !
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