June 1st - June 19th
It's almost summer! The last few weeks of school have come, and students will need to study hard for their final exams! Don't let up yet, or your grades won't be what you want them to. Of course, the weather is almost perfect and pristine, in attempts to lure students away from their studies.
The Deep End [ ISO: Ginny ; 2/7/09 ]"Okay, let's stop there for today," Harry said, doing his best to hide how tired he was getting. He'd forgotten how little students knew and how much their skills ranged, especially at this age. Seeing as he hadn't accomplished anything on the first day of apparition lessons, Harry probably should have expected very little to occur, but truthfully, he'd been spending the last decade of his life trying to erase everything that had happened to him in the seven years at Hogwarts. Good and bad, Harry just wished he could start over and have a normal life and be just a normal guy. That had been all he wanted since he'd known he was called the Boy Who Lived, and that was the one thing he couldn't have. Ever since that fateful night when his parents sacrificed their lives for him, Harry would never have a normal life and that had remained true. Even after the prophecy was fullfilled, the man seemed unable to retain some semblance of a normal life. He was trying, but it seemed no matter where he ran to, his past always caught up with him.
And there was also the fact that Harry had spent that last few weeks teaching adults rather than students, so he was more used to having his class be able to achieve most of the tasks assigned to them. In his Auror classes, he had men and women who were the best of the best, not to mention serious and determined about their jobs. They were mature and could handle things a lot better than sixteen-year-olds. It didn't help that Harry usually taught the more experienced trainees either. The younger witches and wizards, most of whom were just out of Hogwarts, weren't in Harry's class, which made his life much easier and kept him from having too many gray hairs. Of course, it seemed he would make up for all that by having to teach this lot of students who had absolutely no idea what they were doing. Had Harry had the energy to do so, he would have laughed. It would have been a hysterical "I-can't-believe-what-I'm-doing," laugh, but a laugh nonetheless.
Raising his wand, Harry gave it a wave and the wooden rings on the floor flew up and disappeared. "Now, I shouldn't have to remind you lot not to try and apparate on your own. First of all, the charm that prohibits apparition will be replaced on this room once you all leave, and secondly, well, if you get splinched practicing on your own, no one will be able to help you right away. So just don't do it," Harry finished. "I'll see you all next week."
And with that, murmuring broke out among the students again and Harry let out a sigh of relief. Well, he'd survived his first lesson and his students were still in tact. It was a good sign. Now all he had to do was escape from the castle without getting stopped by anyone and he'd be home free. Of course, the castle was crawling with people and chances were, someone would recognize him and he'd be forced to stop and talk. If only Harry had remembered to bring his invisibility cloak, he would have been much better off and getting outside would be a piece of cake. After all, this was his school and he knew his way around. If no one could see him, he would be able to escape in a few seconds easily. But unfortunately, that wasn't the case and, as fate would have it, a few giggling girls from his class were heading toward him.
"Professor Potter?"
Note to self: Next time, do NOT forget invisibility cloak. Love, Harry."Er... Yes?" Harry said, trying to put on what he hoped was a friendly smile. But his smile almost turned to a scowl as the girls giggled again. Merlin, he wished he could just make a run for it.
"We were wondering..." And before Harry knew it, he was stuck in the Great Hall for another ten minutes or so, talking about 'apparition' with the girls. He wanted to scream and tell them to bugger off, but he supposed that wouldn't be the greatest image, not to mention he would probably scare the poor girls away. But by the time their conversation reached his personal life, Harry wanted them to run away screaming from him.
"Er... Sorry, ladies, but I've got to be somewhere. I'll see you next week," he said before offering a polite smile and nearly dashing out of the room. Once he was out of site from anyone, he did start running, glancing behind him for a moment before making it out the front doors. Good. No one had stopped him. Now all he had to do was get to his car and get out of there. Surprising, Harry didn't have much trouble getting to where his car was parked and slide into the car seat. He didn't even take a moment to relax before turning on the engine and heading out. After driving a few minutes, Harry changed gears on his 1974 Jensen Interceptor and felt as it lifted off into the sky. Like the Ford Anglia that Ron and Harry had so unceremoniously crashed into the Whomping Willow, this car had been bewitched and fixed up as well. In fact, it had been done so by Mr. Weasley himself, who insisted this car would be much safer than the Anglia. And had a less chance of becoming an intelligent being and abandoning him next to a very dangerous tree.
The dark red car sailed easily through the sky and Harry didn't even press the cloaking device and rather, when he thought he was getting near Muggle towns, touched down onto a road and drove through the countryside. He stopped on the side of the road once in the middle of nowhere to shed his wizarding robes and exchange them for more suitable Muggle clothing, but aside from that, Harry didn't stop and continued driving until he finally reached Godric's Hollow. He slowly drove through town, offering small smiles to people he recognized, but never once did he stop to exchange any words. The towns people thought him a bit odd because of that fact, but they respected his privacy, which was something Harry valued very much. Perhaps that was why he never thought of moving, even after the Ministry found out where he'd been hiding for all these years.
Harry' cottage was located somewhat on the outskirts of Godric's Hollow, in a more suburbian area away from the markets and the stores. He parked his car in front of the small two story cottage, grabbed his belongings, and walked up the cobblestone pathway to his house. Slowly, he walked up the stairs to his bedroom and deposited his things on his bed before sitting down and resting his head in his hands. Today had been a tiring day, both mentally and physically. Harry had thought he wouldn't have had to return to Hogwarts ever, but when the Ministry had informed him their usual apparition professor was mysteriously missing and he would be filling in, Harry had realized he couldn't get rid of the memories. He tried to shut them out, but going back had made him realize just how much those memories were a part of him and deeply embedded into his mind.
And, of course, there were all those loose ends Harry had failed to tie upon leaving Hogwarts. The biggest was the one he had the most trouble handling: Ginny. They hadn't talked ever since the fight and not even Ron really wanted to go into too much detail about what she was doing. Harry had had to figure it out himself when he found himself reading the entirety of the Daily Prophet one day and finding that she had become a reporter. Ever since that day, he'd looked through the Prophet, reading all of her articles, trivial or not, most of the time even cutting them out and saving them. But then she'd been fired from the staff and after that, Harry didn't know what happened to her. He'd tried to force the information out of Ron, but once again, his best friend seemed unwilling to tell him much. Harry didn't blame him. Harry and Ginny had had quite a falling out, which had left them both a little crazy. From what Harry had managed to get out of Ron, it seemed Ginny had been dating like crazy her seventh year and Harry just boycotted girls altogther. He had dated once he'd started auror training and perhaps even more once he became a full-fledged Auror, but his heart had never been in it. The women he dated always ended up breaking it off with him, telling him that he was a sweet guy, but just too "emotionally distant."
They said he had a wall around him and it was impossible to get through to him.
What the bloody hell are you doing? Ginny's mind was frantic. What was she doing? She didn't even know! Perhaps it was the morbid fascination of her past, wanting to know the truth, the answers, the...well, everything. So that was what inspired her to come to the Great Hall, that February day. But was it really answers that she was looking for? Or consolation? No, why would she ever come in search of consolation? It was obvious that she would never get any. No, from what she had heard, Harry was too much of an emotional basket case to suit anyone’s needs but his own. The bitter side of Ginny thought about how it was so typical of him to let himself go. To not care about anyone other than his own little pathetic pity trip. Yes, he had been through a lot. But he didn't need to abandon everyone that he loved.
He didn't abandon everyone that he loved, Ginny reminded herself regretfully. He still talks to Ron. And Hermione I suppose...it's just me. It's always been just me. He wasn't afraid to sacrifice his friendships with Ron and Hermione to ensure their safety, but he was willing to break up with me to make sure I wouldn't be harmed. The thought still filled Ginny up with bitterness. Honestly, those hero boys who broke up with their girlfriends to protect them? Didn't the girls ever get a say? Nope. They were expected to sit back, cry, and nod saying that they understood. Oh sure, Ginny understood, but personally, it was a risk she was willing to take. Whatever. Harry's loss.
Or was it?
So Ginny found herself, sitting in a remote corner of the Great Hall, nose buried in a book (which was upside down by the way) while she made occasional glances over the pages to observe Harry's little apparition lessons. So, he started as a teacher in his fifth year, and apparently would die one too. Interesting. The world was so...cyclic.
From her occasional glances, her heart pounding in her throat the entire time, Ginny had determined that Harry was very much the same, but very much different all the same. But what had she expected? For her to go nine years without seeing him and then return to find him just the same? No, time had worn away at Harry, that Ginny could tell. Thoughts of jealousy fluttered through her mind as she pondered about his dating life at the current moment. Was he in a relationship? Was he even being very social recently? He did have an awkward tendancy to isolate himself from people when he was going through difficult times. Why, Ginny would never understand. She knew it made him feel better to get things off of his chest every now and then. Well, she thought she knew at least.
Small cracks and pops were resounding around the Great Hall, and Ginny looked up in time to see a girl pretend faint right into Harry's arms. This made her burn with jealousy of course, and she quickly busied herself with her book once again. Finally realizing that it was upside down, Ginny flushed, and turned it upright. Harry hadn't noticed her yet had he? No, hopefully not. He would probably be kept rather busy by swooning annoying girls. Now that Leona learned about magic, a whole world was opened up to her. She could levitate things... With that, Ginny stopped reading it. What bloody book had she picked up? Leona Discovers Hogwarts? What trash! What positive, literature trash! How did she even get her sticky paws on it?
She was distracted from her novel after a while, however, when Harry concluded his class, and hurried out the door leaving a group of fawning girls alone. Ha. Yes. That was the way it always was for Harry. He never liked the attention of hundreds of swooning girls wanting to be his girlfriend. That was perhaps Ginny's downfall some twenty years before. Merlin, had it really been that long? Snapping her book shut, Ginny came out of her corner, and started out the Great Hall. So, watching Harry's Apparition class. That was fun. Honestly, what sort of consolation was she expecting to get? Reconciliation? Like he was going to stick around that long.
You can follow him, the voice at the back of Ginny's mind reminded her. Ha. Follow him. Right. Ginny pushed the door open and exited, starting down the corridor in the opposite direction of the Entrance Hall, just to divert her attention in some way. Do you want to talk to him again? Ever? Don't you still love him? Ginny stopped in her tracks. Why did this have to be so bloody complicated? She made her decision, turned on her heel, and started back toward the Entrance Hall, making her steps quick and hustling. She pushed the grand oak doors open, and started down the cobble stoned path toward the castle gates. It seemed like she was walking forever, but she was finally off of Hogwarts grounds. All she had to do was apparate.
Just thinking that she was a mere apparition away from Harry made Ginny's stomach twist into knots. She quickly stopped, and looked down at the ground, hands on her hips as she gnawed the inside of her lip in thought. Was she actually going to do this? Just, pop up at Godric's Hollow? Of course she knew that he was still living there. She had heard it through the grape vine. As un-related as they were to each other, it wasn't as if they didn't congregate with the same people. Taking a deep breath, Ginny started to focus on her apparition. "No!" she commanded quickly, stopping herself. Merlin, she couldn't change her mind like that! She would splinch herself!
Taking a few steps to try and ease her nerves, Ginny shook herself. It wasn't that big of a deal, was it? No. It was just Harry. It was just Harry. He had nine years to simmer about their petty argument, and now she just wanted to see him. To talk to him. Just make sure that there was still life behind those vibrant green eyes. She had to. To be true to herself, she had to go. One more time, she focused on her apparition, and with a pop, she was gone, reappearing moments later in front of Harry's two story cottage.
All the breath left Ginny as she looked up at the cottage. The car her father had crafted for him was there, so he had made it home. Her heart began to pound in her throat. Just walk up, and ring the doorbell, Ginny commanded herself, also reminding herself that she had to perform the simple human function of breathing if she wanted to survive. One foot in front of the other, Ginny made her way to the door, and held her shaking hand out. She closed her eyes, squeezed them tightly shut, and rang the doorbell. It sounded like a gong had been struck right inside of her head as it rang through the cottage.
Oh no. Oh bloody hell, no. She just rang the doorbell. And what happened when people rang doorbells? Those that lived inside came out! Harry would be coming out soon, because Ginny was dumb enough to follow him back to his house and ring the bloody doorbell! Oh no, this was not going to happen. In a panic, Ginny turned on her heel, preparing to flee...
Re: The Deep End [ ISO: Ginny ; 2/7/09 ]
Had Harry known Ginny was teaching at Hogwarts, he probably would have furiously refused to teach apparition. Not that he hadn't tried already. When the Ministry had hired him as an Auror Trainer, it hadn't said anywhere in his job description that he was going to have to teach children to apparate. Having to teach students was painful enough in the first place, but the mere fact that he would be teaching at Hogwarts made things all the more worse. And there was also the fact that he was, well, Harry Potter. Harry had attempted to use that as an excuse, but no one was really willing to listen to him. With the Death Eaters seemingly active again, Harry wasn't sure it would be wise for him to go to Hogwarts (many people saw him as a moving target for the devoted followers of the Dark Lord), but the Minister didn't seem to be worried at all, and Harry blatantly refused to speak to Percy. Headmaster or not, Percy was still a git and Harry didn't want to speak with him. He doubted any of the Weasleys wanted to speak with him.
Harry never would have guessed Ginny had come to Percy, asking for a job. Hell, Harry never would have guessed Ginny would be teaching History at Magic and Hogwarts.
The Boy Who Lived sat idly on his bed, staring blankly ahead of himself, allowing his mind to wander. But it seemed everytime his mind wandered, the same image flashed through his mind. Harry had stopped trying to deny the fact he still loved Ginny. It was a futile attempt and he knew it. But at the same time, he also seemed to accept the fact that that would be a love that he had let slip through his fingers. It was a love that would never be because he had pushed Ginny away. He hadn't wanted to put her in danger and wanted to protect her, to keep her safe, but by doing that he had hurt them both. Sometimes Harry regretted making the decision he had, but in the end he knew he had to do it. From the beginning, Harry knew it was going to be him and him alone that was going to have to face the Dark Lord. He'd realized it ever since that day in his first year when he was about to face Quirrel and Voldemort in the Forbidden Corridor. He had told Hermione that he would hold Voldemort off for as long as he could and from that moment, Harry had realized that, despite the fact his friends would be there for him, he was alone.
Harry ran his hands through his ebony hair for a moment before standing up. He needed to take a nap or something. And with that thought, he took his shirt off and was about to throw off his jeans and climb into bed when he caught sight of himself in the mirror. The face that looked back at him was familiar. The same ears, the same nose, the same mouth, the same green eyes, however faded and not surrounded by glasses -- everything looked the same, yet different all the same. As Harry stared at himself, he found he didn't quite recognize this man in the mirror. He looked young, but he could tell the man was older. He had been forced to mature too fast and it showed in his eyes, in his posture, in every movement of his body. And that body, it wasn't the body of that scrawny boy whom people often referred to as the Chosen One. It was grown, just like this man in the mirror. It had aged, grown some hair, and had seen far too many battles for one lifetime. The hands were calloused and rough from wielding both wand and sword and the arms were no longer long and lanky. They had some muscle on them instead of just skin and bone.
Harry Potter had grown up. But Harry didn't see it. The body was grown, but the man on the inside was the same. As he stood there, Harry wondered whether he'd ever been a boy. It felt as though he'd always been a man, or at least forced to act like one. The Wizarding World had treated him like some sort of hero, some sort of savior, even before he'd done anything. They expected him to defeat one of the most powerful wizards in the world and that was far too much to expect out of a boy of eleven years. That was too much to expect of anyone, yet Harry had had to deal with it and live with it, and even now, he was still the Boy Who Lived. That was his life. That was his name. It was a title he would never be able to escape even to his death.
The the doorbell rang.
Harry jerked in surprise, staring dumbfoundedly toward the door as if wondering what the hell the sound was coming from. After a moment, he realized that it was his doorbell and he would be expected to answer the door and grabbed his shirt as he hurried out of his room. He managed to trip over a few things as he did so and had to sort of shove things out of the way as he headed toward the stairs. Despite his change in appearance, Harry's organizational habits hadn't changed and it showed in the way his house was kept. Although it wasn't a complete mess, one couldn't say it was exactly tidy either. It was clear that the cottage was owned by a single male, for there were a few shirts thrown precariously here and there (but most of them seemed to be clean, luckily), the kitchen looked, for the most part, completely unused (except for the microwave), and his way of organizing things seemed to consist of stuffing things where they fit. But things could have been worse. At least there weren't any emtpy beer cans lying around or piles upon piles of laundry stuffed in closets. Surprisingly, Harry was fairly good about keeping his cottage smelling good and looking half-way decent.
Throwing his shirt over his head and pulling his arms through his sleeves, Harry grabbed the front of his shirt to pull it down over his stomach as he opened the door. But his hand seemed to freeze as he saw the figure that was seemingly retreating. He'd seen it so many times before. Well, at least that was who he thought it was. But that was impossible, wasn't it? He was probably just hallucinating or something or just having some sort of wild dream. But dreams were never this real. The pounding in his chest told him this was no dream.
"Ginny...?" His voice was soft, unbelieving, yet there was hopefulness and after a moment, his hand began slowing pulling his shirt down over his stomach. If this was only a dream, then damn whoever sent this to him. But as much as Harry had been dreading seeing Ginny again, he found himself hoping this wasn't a dream and hoping it was really her.
Re: The Deep End [ ISO: Ginny ; 2/7/09 ]
What had she been thinking in coming to see Harry? Her mind was whirling with fury and her heart was racing at 9,000 beats a minute. She was going to spontaneously combust at any moment. The top of her head would pop off, steam would come shooting out of her ears, and her eyeballs would pop out of her head on little springs like those little dollies did if you squeezed them too hard. Honestly, how had she gotten herself that far? It would be one thing if she had made it to the doors in the Entrance Hall, but all the way here? It was almost as if she had completely committed herself! Hell, she had committed herself! She had rang the bloody doorbell! Now all she could hope was that she could run away before he would answer the door.
A creak from behind her told her that wasn't going to happen.
Just as Ginny's heart was pounding too fast to be physically possible, it came to an abrupt halt. Instead it was thumping rhythmically, loud enough to be heard at a ten mile radius. Loud enough to break right through her ribs. She held her breath, and stopped in her tracks, closing her eyes and squeezing them tightly shut. She was mental. She was completely and utterly mental. And now she hoped more than anything that she had just heard something, just some random figment of her imagination, not really the door to Harry's cottage opened. But the thing was, part of her did want to see him. Needed to see him. So why was she so scared? Why was she so afraid of the one person that she had loved for her entire life? Things are complicated, Ginny reminded herself. There were absolutely no simple answers. Especially now.
"Ginny...?" Suddenly Ginny knew she wasn't hearing things. His voice...oh his voice that had haunted her dreams yet sounded so familiar and welcome at the same time. It was soft now, and sounded incredulous. But hell, if Harry had just shown up on Ginny's door stoop, she would have fallen into a dead faint. All she could do was hope that he would catch her. And he would. He was Harry, after all. Opening her eyes, Ginny slowly turned on the spot, still holding her breath. Any observer would state that she had gone deathly pale, looking as if she'd just been frightened to death. Once she finished turning around, however, and caught sight of Harry, her face flushed, spreading an exaggerated blush onto her cheeks. Why did she have to blush now? Why of all times? It was bad enough that she had shown up on his doorstep.
Upon seeing Harry, Ginny's breath was taken away once again. It looked as if he were starting to dress, pulling his shirt down over his stomach. Well, one thing was for sure. He wasn't scrawny anymore. Part of her wanted to rush up and catch him in an embrace. The other wanted to turn on her heel and bolt. Those human instincts again. Fight or flight. With Jake, she had chosen flight. Now, with Harry, she had to stay. She had to. Merlin, what was she going to say to him?
A few moments passed, Ginny's voice trapped in her throat. Flight was starting to sound more and more appealing. She wished she had dressed up into something more formal, which she realized with regret when she broke her eye contact with Harry to look down, her faded jeans coming into sight, accompanied by an old corduroy jacket pulled over a simple striped sweater. He probably thought she looked like hell on legs. The thought inspired quite a vision for Ginny, however, as she wondered just exactly what hell on legs would look like. Fiery and red? Well, Ginny had red down. Just fiery to go. Hopefully she didn't get mad...
Ginny had to bite the bullet and do it. Just say something. She looked back up at Harry, and managed to smile in a false and forced manner. "Harry, hi," Ginny said. She wanted to kill herself for how fake and formal her voice sounded. But she couldn't run up and hug him and profess how much she missed him and loved him. She just couldn't make herself do it. After all these years, she finally saw him, and couldn't be close to him the way she once was. Not yet at least. "This is a bit sudden, I know," Ginny found herself saying, still sounding disgustingly formal and false. "But I've been at Hogwarts and I heard you were teaching apparating lessons there, so I decided to swing by." Merlin, what a terrible excuse. "For old times sake," she added at the end. Her voice was no longer false and cheery, but instead it was quiet, soft, and sad. As if she were speaking of a memory lost forever by time.
Re: The Deep End [ ISO: Ginny ; 2/7/09 ]
Harry, really, had no idea what to do. He'd never expected this scenario to come up and had no idea how to handle it. Dragons, dementors, Dark wizards, Harry could deal with easily, but this? Well, it wasn't any secret that the Boy Who Lived really had horrible luck when it came to his love life and well, it was probably worst when it came to former loves. Especially Ginny. Ginny, the girl -- no, woman now, -- who'd been in his dreams for the past decade. How was Harry supposed to react to this? He wished things could just be how they were and they could act like nothing ever happened, but they couldn't. Then again, Harry really didn't want to pretend as though nothing ever happened, because it did and there was no way he was going to be able to forget the feelings he had and still felt for Ginny. If anything, he wished they could just regain those lost years and pretend as though they'd never fought, as though Harry hadn't pushed her away, as though they had seeing each other constantly for the past ten years.
When Ginny turned around, he felt just as pale as Ginny did. Oh Merlin. What was he supposed to do? But at the same time, he was able to notice how much Ginny had changed, how much she'd grown. Sure, she still had the shadow of the former Ginny, the girl, but as Harry looked at her, she was no longer a girl. She was truly a woman and his throat tightened at the sight of her. Harry wished he could just walk over and put a hand on her pale cheek a for a moment he almost did and took a small step forward, but stopped himself. What if Ginny was still angry with him? What if she was only here for closure? Harry didn't want closure. He never did. He didn't want Ginny to end things formally and properly. He wanted them to have a real ending. Together. For once, Harry wanted to just live happily ever after, if that was possible.
Had Harry known that Ginny was thinking about her attire, he would have offered her a shaky laugh. It wasn't as if his attire was much better. Despite being away from Dursleys and being able to buy his own clothing, Harry's sense of fashion hadn't seemed to improve. He was never much of a materialistic person, not to mention he didn't care much for wearing expensive, new clothing. The jeans he wore were faded and torn, a worn leather cowboy belt held them to his lithe frame (despite the muscle tone, Harry never did seem to manage to get any fatter), and a thin, faded green graphic tee covered his torso. The pale green of the shirt seemed to make Harry's eyes seem a bit greener than they really were, almost as green as they had been while he was still at Hogwarts. He was barefoot and his hair, as always, was in a messy heap atop his head. Harry wasn't exactly dressed in the "reunited-with-long-lost-love" attire, but he supposed it couldn't really be helped. It wasn't as if he'd had any warning.
"Harry, hi," Ginny said and Harry's throat tightened even more at the sound of her voice. It was more mature than he remembered, but it was the same voice he'd heard in his dreams. "This is a bit sudden, I know. But I've been at Hogwarts and I heard you were teaching apparating lessons there, so I decided to swing by."
Harry wasn't quite sure of what he was hearing and sort of just stood there, staring at Ginny. Frankly, he didn't for one second believe that casual, formal tone she spoke it and it showed in the way he looked at her. It wasn't exactly disppointed or pained, nor was it soft and loving, but it was a knowing look. They both knew each other well enough to know that this casual stuff would never work out and that it was only a mask. Something for show. Something to attempt to ease their nerves before the real talk started. They hadn't seen each other in ten years. The last conversation they ever had had been a fight. "Swinging by" wouldn't cut it and Harry knew it.
That wasn't good enough.
"For old times sake."
Now that tone, Harry believed. He could hear the truthfulness and the sadness in her tone and it reflected how Harry felt. He wished he could tell her. He wished he could say he was sorry and that he still loved her. But he couldn't. He didn't know why, but he just couldn't. Maybe it was just because Harry had become so emotionally detached over the last ten years, even moreso than he had been at Hogwarts. There was still intensity and passion in him, but not as much as there had been before and certainly not regarding other people. But perhaps that was just another reason why he needed Ginny. Perhaps if she were to return to his life again, she would be able to break down that fortified wall he'd built up around himself.
"Do you... Do you want to come in?" Harry asked, his voice sounding a bit distant to him, as though he were in some sort of dream. His legs felt numb, yet for some reason he was able to move himself out of the doorway and open the door so as to make more space. Please... he thought to himself. Please, come in. I need you.
Re: The Deep End [ ISO: Ginny ; 2/7/09 ]
Ginny should have known that her tone absolutely wasn't going to cut it. What had possessed her to think that it would? Harry knew her, she knew Harry. They both knew each other too well to try and beat around the bush with facades and innocent small talk. She should have known that. She shouldn't have been so stupid. But then again the whole trip seemed to revolve around her stupidity. The stupidity to come and think that she could have a decent conversation with Harry without completely freaking out. That was positively ridiculous and out of the question. Look at her! She had gone mute for a considerable amount of time, and then proceeded to blather like an idiot about small talk and just "swinging by." If Harry bought it, he was thick as molasses.
"Do you... Do you want to come in?" Harry asked, sounding distant. Ginny wanted to let out a sigh in relief. He didn't slam the door in her face, he hadn't started yelling at her yet, and now he had invited her inside. Things were looking good. But actually go inside?! What would happen after that? Sit in more awkward silence, debating about what the bloody hell she should do? She wanted to go inside, she really, really did. But part of her still wanted to turn and run away in fright. Why couldn't she just get a hold of her feelings and make some bloody sense of them? At the moment they all seemed like a jumbled up mess of bitterness, emptiness, deceit, and pain. Breathe, Gin. Breathe, she commanded herself, not wanting to held her breath for so long that she would faint right then and there.
"Er...yeah, that would be great," Ginny finally replied, the same sort of sad, defeated tone as present as before. Well, this was going to be interesting. And the back of her mind continued to scream and scream at her to turn around and run away before she would step foot in his little cottage at Godric's Hollow. But she didn't. She had come that far, hadn't she? She had walked outside of Hogwarts grounds, apparated to his house, and rang the bloody doorbell. Backing out now, well, she had already done the man work. Now she just needed to see how things would play out. And really, she was very, very interested. Perhaps interested wasn't the best word to use. More so eager. Longing. Desperate. She wanted to know what she had been avoiding all of those many years. She wanted to know what would happen.
She stepped inside the cottage behind Harry, taking note of the little bits of mess here and there. A t-shirt here, and a little bit of clutter there. As far as Ginny was concerned, it answered the question of whether he was living with a girl or not. A girl would never stand for such abuse of her home. Well, most girls. Sane girls. Girls brought up by Molly Weasley for that matter. The Weasley household was nothing BUT clutter, and Ginny had learned since then that she wanted a nice clean house, with a place for everything and everything in it's place. By no means was she a perfectionist who liked to do nothing but clean, but she at least tidied things up on a weekly basis before they would get too out of control. Something told Ginny that Harry needed to learn a few lessons about keeping things clean, but she didn't assume that this meant she would be the one. No, as far as she was expecting, they would talk for a bit, things would get awkward, she would leave, and that would be it.
Now what to do? Just break down and say everything? No. God no. That was too easy. Wait, no it wasn't too easy. It was too bloody hard. There was a fifteen foot brick wall in between Ginny and Harry that was blocking her from relating to him, and feeling as if she could spill her innermost secrets and emotions to him. Things like this took time. They had to chisel away at this metaphorical brick wall, bit by tedious bit. That is, if they ever wanted to try again. Did Ginny want to try again? What a ridiculous question, of course she wanted to. She didn't spend nine years thinking about him to just give it up the moment she saw him again.
"This is so painfully awkward," Ginny finally spilled, but the moment she did, she realized it was a mistake. Well, congratulation, Weasley! You just increased that tenfold! "I mean...wow...sorry," Ginny replied sheepishly, wanting to sink into the ground. Or turn and run away. What a recurring theme. "Apparently my communication skills have gotten horrendously worse since I last saw you. But what the hell, how are you?" She asked, finally giving in to the terrible cliche small talk catch phrases. She had nothing else to say, so for the time being it would just have to do.
Re: The Deep End [ ISO: Ginny ; 2/7/09 ]
Truthfully, Harry wasn't sure what they would do once they were actually inside his house. He hadn't really thought all that through when he invited Ginny in -- the impulse to do so had just come naturally. Of course, now that he'd done it, Harry began wondering what would they do once they got inside. A few minutes of small talk, he supposed and eventually somehow, all of that small talk would lead to the bigger issue at hand. Ultimately, Harry supposed the conversation would be even more awkward if they were standing outside. At least if they went inside there were things to distract oneself with. Harry could wander off to the kitchen and attempt to use the coffee-maker. The things Harry made were quite good in reality, despite the fact he rarely had the energy to make anything, due to the fact that he'd been forced to cook a lot whilst living with the Dursleys, but buying coffee and mircowaveable dinners were so much more convenient. And there was also the fact that, like the typical bachelor, Harry's fridge was filled with leftover take-out, frozen dinners, and a lot of condiments. He hadn't gotten to the hard-core bachelor stage of only having beer yet.
"Er...yeah, that would be great," Ginny said. The fake tone was, for the most part, gone, and although the defeated, sad tone was a bit depressing, Harry preferred it over anything fake she could come up with.
The man was somewhat dazed as he led Ginny from the doorway to the living room, picking up a few things off the floor and making sure the couch was "laundry-free." "Sorry about the mess..." Harry murmured as he did his best to tidy up in the five second span he gave himself. He didn't really expect to accomplish much, but it would have been a bit less awkward to have a serious conversation without his clothes hanging from pieces of furniture and his various lesson plans floating about the room. The awkwardness of the entire situation was inevitable, but at least Harry could try to lesson the blow a bit.
After clearing the last bit of clothing off of his small couch, Harry motioned for Ginny to sit while he himself pulled up a chair to sit in. As much as he wanted to sit down right next to Ginny and feel her shoulder against his, he wasn't sure that was the best move to make. It may have only made things more difficult, not to mention more awkward. Besides, Harry wasn't sure what would happen if they made physical contact and although he wanted to see what would happen, whether there were still fireworks as there had been before, but they had to talk first. Although solving everything physically would have made things much easier, talking and discussing was what set humans apart from the animals and in the end, would accomplish much more that anything physical could. And Harry always knew his and Ginny's relationship had been based off of more than just physical attraction. After all, Harry never fancied himself a particularly handsome guy, yet Ginny still wanted him and cared for him in a way no one else did.
There was an awkward silence and Harry wasn't sure what to do. Should he pull the coffee card now? "This is so painfully awkward," Ginny suddenly said and Harry raised his eyes to look at her, a bit of nostalgic amusement glittering in his pale green eyes. It seemed that the youngest Weasley hadn't changed much since the last time Harry saw her. She was still straight forward and blatant, just as Harry remembered her. "I mean...wow...sorry." A faint smile passed across Harry's face. "Apparently my communication skills have gotten horrendously worse since I last saw you. But what the hell, how are you?"
Well, at least you've actually got communication skills,' Harry wanted to say, but decided to keep that comment to himself. He also wanted to tell Ginny everything was going fine, but he knew she'd be able to call his bluff. "I've been okay, I guess," he replied instead, his voice still somewhat soft and reserved. Tired. "I like Godric's Hollow. My job is okay. And I actually get out of the house once in awhile because of it." A somewhat crooked grin found its way onto Harry's face as he looked at Ginny, wanting to tell her how much he thought about her. How he'd cut out nearly all of her articles and read them over constantly. How he still had feelings for her -- feelings that ceased to fade even after all these years. "What about you?" Harry asked. He wanted to ask something else, but he couldnt' help it. "I mean, how's Hogwarts? Er... Is it still the same?"
Right when he said it, Harry's throat tightened up and he stopped talking somewhat abruptly. He supposed this was where the small talk ended and the bridge to the serious talk would begin. Merlin. He was smooth. The small talk thing hardly lasted two minutes and already Harry had managed to step all over it and smash its face into the mud.
He had to do something.
Harry stood up somewhat awkwardly a hint of nervousness in his actions. "Er... Do you want some coffee?" he asked as he headed toward the kitchen. Two minutes in and you're already using the coffee card... Harry reprimanded himself. But he had to use it. He had to get up and do something to distract himself. He wasn't sure whether he was ready for this. He wasn't sure whether he could even do this. Maybe letting Ginny into the house had been a bad idea. Merlin. Why had he answered the door?
Harry made a quick glance over his shoulder. Surprisingly, there seemed to be a small part of him praying she would follow him and save him from his own madness.
Re: The Deep End [ ISO: Ginny ; 2/7/09 ]
Ginny stiffly took Harry's invitation to sit down on the couch, which he had just cleaned his laundry off of moments before. At the back of her mind she was wondering if it was clean, semi-clean, or completely filthy. How many times a week did he actually do his laundry? Buy groceries? Clean? Her hopes weren't high, of course, and she knew that a bachelor living in his own little cottage wasn't going to tend to the necessities as much as he probably needed to. She could work on that. Wait, she could? They hadn't even gotten past small talk yet. And there she was already thinking about how she could clean the place up, fill the refrigerator with some good food, clean all of his clothes and place them in these revolutionary things called drawers... And those curtains would have to go. They were hideous.
Get a hold of yourself! Ginny commanded, wishing she could just make herself focus on one thing. Harry, and her conversation. Not the would-be's and could-be's. All that did was get Ginny into lots of trouble. Because then she would day dream, lose focus on the conversation, and go into a complete and obvious daze.
After Ginny's blunt and brutal comment, Harry seemed to get a look of amusement in his eyes, which made the smallest smile come across Ginny's lips. There was still life in him. Or was there only life in him when he was around her? The selfish side of Ginny hoped that this was so, but then she reminded herself that it was awful for her to wish that she was the only person who could make him happy. He deserved to be happy. After everything he had gone through, he deserved it. More than anyone Ginny knew. But sadly people, mainly Harry, had a tendency to push away the things that made him happy, because he was so bent upon thinking that he needed to handle his issues and problems alone. Would anything make him learn his lesson? Well, one thing for sure. Marriage. Don't tell me you just thought about marrying him too, Ginny thought, wanting to positively flay herself.
"I've been okay, I guess," Harry replied, sounding tired. Yeah, he must have been tired. Having teenage girls fall at his feet all afternoon really wore away at his physique. Ha. As if. Obviously it was something else. At least he wasn't trying to lie to Ginny by saying everything was just fine, dandy, and peachy. Because then she would have to hurt him. Maybe she would just want to because not everything was fine with her. Misery loved company, right? Again, with the selfishness. She made a vow to control such urges from then on. "I like Godric's Hollow. My job is okay. And I actually get out of the house once in awhile because of it." Leaving the house every now and then was good. At least he wasn't a full blown recluse.
"What about you?" Harry asked. Oh great, now she got to return the favor. "I mean, how's Hogwarts? Er... Is it still the same?" Just after he said it, Harry seemed to have an odd reaction to the topic, and stood up awkwardly. "Er... Do you want some coffee?" He asked, heading toward the kitchen before Ginny had time to respond.
"Yeah...that would...that would be great," Ginny called, sitting on the couch with her hands folded in her lap. Perhaps she shouldn't tell Harry about Hogwarts. It seemed that he almost didn't want to hear. Well what could it do to him? Make him never want to return again? He probably already felt like that. Hearing about it wasn't going to hurt him. Standing up, Ginny made her way into the kitchen after Harry, getting ready to tell him just how she had been recently.
Taking a breath, she found her voice to speak once again. "It's full of memories, Harry," Ginny explained softly. "I just...I just can't shake them. It's starting to make me go insane." Ginny watched Harry, hoping she didn't sound absolutely batty. But no, she couldn't. He had to understand the feeling. He'd been in the caslte that very day. "But it's only a temporary job," Ginny continued, trying to brush past the feelings. "I'm kind of looking forward to getting out as fast as I possibly can. Before I lose my mind all together."
What Ginny really wanted to say was that it was filled with memories of him. Him, and only him. But the wall in between them, that wall held her back, and she felt that she had only begun to make a chink in it.
Re: The Deep End [ ISO: Ginny ; 2/7/09 ]
Harry had, various times, wondered what would happen if he and Ginny saw each other again. He had thought about how their conversation would go if he just showed up on her doorstep one day or if they ran into one another on the street. Running various scenarios through his head had become somewhat of a pasttime during the first few years away from Hogwarts. Nowadays, it didn't happen as much as before, but Harry did still think about Ginny constantly. And the scenarios he ran through his mind always had different results, the good ones resulting in them making up (and possibly making out) while the bad ones ended up with them having another gigantic fight -- one that neither of them would care to reconcile for. Sometimes Harry even had one of his wild dreams about those conversations, but no matter what, he would always wake up feeling empty. In fact, lately, Harry seemed to always be feeling empty. His friends tried to console him and set him up on dates, but that didn't seem to help him much.
The wall was still there.
Upon reaching the kitchen, Harry nervously fiddled around with the coffee maker for a moment, not really caring whether he was putting everything in the right place or not. He idly walked over the freezer and retrieved a bag of pre-ground coffee beans, then went to his cabinets to grap two mugs and a coffee filter. It was a good thing he knew where all of his coffee-making needs by heart, or else he probably would have been grabbing the wrong materials. Harry was clearly distracted. His actions were almost robotic as he put the ground coffee into the filter and the filter into the coffee-making machine. The water came next and Harry tried to clear his mind and concentrated on pouring the water into the machine. He didn't want to think about Hogwarts and he didn't want to know what it was like. There had been a reason to Harry's abrupt exit off campus. He'd avoided everyone and purposely avoided going anywhere aside from the grounds and the Great Hall.
As Harry turned the machine on, he was so intently focused on the coffee that he didn't hear Ginny behind him. When he heard her voice he stiffened slightly, but refused to turn around, acting as though he was busy with the coffee.
"It's full of memories, Harry," Ginny explained softly. "I just...I just can't shake them. It's starting to make me go insane." At this point, Harry had stopped fiddling and raised his head. His back was still turned to Ginny, but it was clear now that he was listening to every word. He knew what she was talking about. Harry had been feeling the same thing, even before walking back through the doorways of Hogwarts. But stepping foot onto the grounds again had only hightened those feelings and memories. Insanity was the least of it. "But it's only a temporary job," Ginny added. "I'm kind of looking forward to getting out as fast as I possibly can. Before I lose my mind all together."
For a moment, Harry didn't say anything and all that could be heard was the soft whirring of the coffee machine. "I almost didn't go today," Harry finally murmured. "I thought I'd walk through those doors and just lose it." He finally turned around and looked at Ginny with his fading green eyes. Fading, just like the lightning bold shaped scar on his forehead. Fading, just like his will to live. "And when I was finally inside, I almost did. Everything I'd been trying to run away from just came back as soon as I'd stepped into the Great Hall." It was true enough Harry had been trying to run. He had proof of it at the end of the hallway on the second story of his house. There was a large room that Harry rarely entered, filleed to the brim with everything and anything magical Harry had accumilated over the years. His broom, his Hogwarts uniform, his Quidditch robes, the medals and awards he'd earned as an Auror, the tricks and jokes the Weasley twins occasionally sent him, and much more. It seemed the only two things relating to magic and his former life that weren't in that closet was his wand and car. And, of course, just in case anyone unwanted guest entered the house, Harry had gotten it magicked so the door to the room would only appear when Harry willed it to.
After hesitating for a moment, Harry took a few steps toward Ginny until he was about an arm's length away from her. He looked at her, an almost lost look in his eyes. Harry soon found himself reaching out for her, wanting to feeling her skin against his hand again, but just as he fingers were about to brush against Ginny's cheek, he stopped. He looked at his hand, suspended there and did nothing. "There were a lot of times when I wished I could just erase those seven years of my life," Harry continued, eyes still focused on his hand. He furrowed his brow slightly, as though he were fighting with himself, which he was. A part of him wanted to reach out and touch Ginny's face, but the other part wanted him to recoil, to put a good two yards between him and Ginny. "But then I thought of all the good things. All the things that kept me alive during all of those years. Like Quidditch and Sirius and Ron and Hermione. And..." Harry hesitated for a moment. His eyes flicked in Ginny's direction. "And you. And I realized that if I erased those years from my life. I would be erasing those memories, too."
Now Harry's eyes were locked with Ginny's and as much as Harry wanted to turn away. Was it worth it? he'd asked himself constantly. Was all this pain worth it?
And everytime he asked himself that, Harry would remember all the friends he'd made, all the things he'd done, all the people he'd grown attached to... and while his mind sometimes was unsure, every time, his heart would tell him yes. Yes, it was all worth it.
Re: The Deep End [ ISO: Ginny ; 2/7/09 ]
As all of her thoughts started to collide in Ginny's head, she began feeling faint and overwhelmed. She wanted to turn and go back into the living room, sitting on the couch before her legs would give out from underneath her. Everything that had happened thus far was a lot to swallow, even though they had barely talked about anything at all. He invited her in, asked her to sit on the couch, and then started making coffee. But the actions, the tones in each of their voices, both were so haunting. So heavy. Ginny wanted to leave and walk all the way back to the castle, rather than apparating. She had a feeling that she was going to need the longest walk in the world to clear her thoughts after her encounter with Harry. Well, depending on how things turned out, of course.
Ginny, like Harry, had mentally considered every single thing that could happen between her and Harry. But whenever she caught her mind running away with her, she would squish it by reminding herself she was never, ever going to find him to talk to him. If he came to her, she would be ready. But she would never cave and go to him, thus letting him win the ten year battle. How wrong she had been. Yet the funny thing was, the fact that she had gone to Harry rather than waited for him to come to her wasn't what was bothering Ginny. What bothered her was that so much time had passed. So much to the point that she didn't feel like she even knew Harry anymore. And who was she kidding? Someone could get married, have three children, divorce, be in a coma for two years and recover in ten years. Who knew what had all happened to Harry. What had happened to Ginny? She had graduated, gotten a pathetic job, gotten promoted, gotten black listed, fired, and then landed right back at Hogwarts. Yes, much had happened. Much that Harry didn't know about.
When Ginny addressed Harry, he continued to prepare the coffee, something that Ginny read simply as he was trying to keep himself busy, maybe even make it seem like it wasn't bothering him when it was eating him away inside. Why were men so bloody incapable of expressing feelings and emotions? That was their absolute downfall. A man could be smart, attractive, rich, and great in bed, but if he didn't have enough communication skills to be able to express his feelings, then Ginny would pack her bags and high tail it out. There was no use wasting time with people like that. Because honestly, you could date them, sleep with them, have fun with them all you wanted, but afterwards, it would always be looked back upon as a mistake. A fun mistake, but a mistake none the less. And Ginny didn't like making mistakes anymore, no matter how lifelike it was to do so.
Harry finally stopped fiddling around, but he didn't turn to face Ginny. She bit her lip, and allowed her gaze to fall to the floor while she waited for his response. "I almost didn't go today," Harry said, almost too quiet to be audible. Removing her gaze from the floor, Ginny's brown eyes went back to watching Harry, waiting for any sort of physical reaction from him, waiting for him to turn around and look at her. Oh please, just turn and look me in the eyes, Ginny begged. His eyes, those intense green eyes that Ginny used to avoid like the plague. But only when he was looking at her, of course. But Ginny had grown up a lot since then. Merlin, she had grown up more than she could even believe. But it was expected. It was over half her life ago. "I thought I'd walk through those doors and just lose it." Ginny understood the feeling more than she could possibly express, so she kept her silence. He finally turned around, looking Ginny in the eyes. She felt her heart skip a beat. "And when I was finally inside, I almost did. Everything I'd been trying to run away from just came back as soon as I'd stepped into the Great Hall."
Ginny still remained silent, wondering exactly what she was supposed to say in response to that. Harry stepped closer to her, and Ginny held her breath. What now? What was happening? How could things be so horribly imbalanced that Ginny didn't even know if she was standing upright or not? He was close, so close. Close enough to touch, and he was raising his hand, bringing it up toward her face. Still, she held her breath, not daring to even breathe, move, anything that might stir her and wake her up from this dream. His hand stopped, just before his fingers touched her face, and he continued to speak. "There were a lot of times when I wished I could just erase those seven years of my life," Harry said. His hand was so close that she could feel the heat from it on her own face. "But then I thought of all the good things. All the things that kept me alive during all of those years. Like Quidditch and Sirius and Ron and Hermione. And..." Harry paused, and Ginny took the opportunity to exhale, before she would turn purple from lack of oxygen. "And you." With that, Ginny felt as if a chink in the wall had been sizeably removed. "And I realized that if I erased those years from my life. I would be erasing those memories, too."
Now there was something to be said about these metaphorical walls. You could carefully destroy them by chinking away with a small hammer, making small talk and discussing how life was going until the two people were more comfortable with each other. This was the safe way to handle it, but it took what seemed like decades. The other way was to blow it to bloody pieces with one simple action. This went faster, yes, and quickly satisfied both people, but then there were the dangers. By detonating the wall, large pieces of rock and stubble could come flying in all directions, and there was a large chance that one could hit you right in the head, hurting you more than you could have ever planned on.
Which was worse?
Being unable to restrain herself for any longer, Ginny reached her own hand up and placed it on Harry's, pulling Harry's hand the final inch to her face. As she did so, she exhaled once again, feeling the sudden warmth from his hand. This was dangerous territory, and Ginny knew that, but she wanted to take the leap and deal with the consequences later. It wasn't one of those "look before you leap" moments. Ginny didn't want it to be. Again, it would take more time!
"Harry, I..." Ginny started saying, but then stopped. She found that she had lost her voice again, and on top of that, she didn't even know what she wanted to say. Feeling frustrated, hopeless, and lost, the tears began to well in Ginny's eyes. No, she wasn't going to cry! That was ridiculous! Way to break down and lose it all! But she couldn't stop it, she couldn't hold it back. "I'm sorry," Ginny whispered, finding those the only words that she could manage to utter. But with them, she felt that the restraint on her throat was lifted ever so slightly. She wanted to just fall to the floor apologizing for every single thing in the world, but at the same time, she felt that if she did, it would be like admitting that she was wrong all along. And she wasn't wrong. She knew it. Look at what was happening to the wizarding world! The Death Eaters were back, and ready to get their revenge. Ginny hadn't been wrong. But for once, she didn't take pride in being right. She couldn't. So if there wasn't the issue of pride, what was it?
Biting the bullet and swallowing her pride, Ginny spoke again, her voice but a mere whisper in dismay. "I'm sorry, Harry, I'm sorry for everything."
Re: The Deep End [ ISO: Ginny ; 2/7/09 ]
An inch. It was such a small distance, yet Harry seemed unable to get his hand to move that small span to touch the side of Ginny's face. His hand just stayed in that one position as though there were some sort of invisible forcefield keeping him from getting any closer. But Harry supposed a part of him was also just waiting for Ginny to react and give her approval or disapproval. For once, he wanted someone to tell him what to do instead of having to figure things out on his own. As much as he isolated himself, Harry didn't want to be alone. Not completely alone at least. There were times when he enjoyed the peace and the quiet, but sometimes he couldn't stand the silence. Sometimes that silence was not peaceful at all and Harry just felt restless during those occasions. He just wanted to get up and scream at the top of his lungs. It was times like those that Harry wished he were more capable of letting people into his life, but his hard lifestyle had hardened him, made him more guarded. Although at times, that saved him from much pain, it also stopped him from feeling any kind of affection.
Harry was too young to become a cold, bitter recluse, yet he was well on his way. He may still have had friends and a job and had a few hobbies, but those were all physical things. While physically he was being fairly social, mentally he was reserved. Mentally, he really was becoming a recluse and he wasn't letting anyone help him. That was one of his biggest flaws. Although the usual male-unable-to-express-emotions thing was another fairly obvious flaw, for Harry, personally, it was just that he couldn't let anyone help him. He had faced Voldemort alone and had had to carry the weight of the world alone. His friends had helped him, but mostly it was him. It was all Harry and that seemed to have made him feel as though no one could help him with anything. And his stubbornness did seem to add to that.
But Ginny was different than anyone else. She was one of the only people who wasn't afraid of yelling at him and telling him when he was out of line. Boy Who Lived or not, Ginny had always treated him like any other boy, and that was one of the many things he loved about her. And as he felt Ginny's hand on his, and then her cheek beneath his fingers, he remembered he loved her also because of the fact that even if she was afraid, even if she was treading dangerous water, she still acted. Ginny was never one to chicken out of something or try and worm her way out of a situation. She would do what her heart told her to do, even while knowing the situation could possibly get worse.
Harry's throat caught and his heart began thumping rapidly against his chest as he touched Ginny's face. He looked at his hand with uncertainty before moving them back to Ginny's. He was stiff for a moment after Ginny took his hand, but he relaxed into the touch, remembering the familiar feel of her face against his skin. Harry's hands had gotten tougher and the skin thicker, but the the feeling of Ginny's face was still the same. Even after ten years, even after everything that happened and the lives they had lived away from one another, it was amazing how some things could remain the same. And his hand reacted the touch just as it had all those years ago and, instictively, he gently moved his fingers to caress Ginny's face. Harry also found himself moving closer to her, though he hardly noticed it. It was as if the ground was moving rather than his feet and he was just standing there, focusing on the feeling of Ginny's skin against his.
Harry realized how much he'd missed this touch. This physical contact with another person. How long had it been since he'd touched someone like this? A touch charged with emotion and feeling?
"Harry, I..." Harry swallowed. He didn't know what he was doing, nor did he know what he wanted to do. But as he looked at Ginny and saw those tears welling up in his eyes, he found that all he wanted to do was take another step forward and wrap his arms around her. "I'm sorry." At the words, Harry felt his own eyes start to burn. Those words. He'd wanted to hear them and say them for such a long time, wondering if he'd just apologized whether things would have been better. Had Harry been able to just put his pride aside and listen to Ginny, things might have worked out better between the two of them and maybe they wouldn't be seeing each other for the first time in ten years. But both of them had been too stubborn and prideful to step down and thus everything had blown up in their faces and they'd gone on their seperate paths.
"I'm sorry, Harry, I'm sorry for everything."
This time, it was Harry's turn to make his move. Ginny had taken the first step into the dangerous territory, but now Harry had to continue forward. He couldn't hesitate now. They were already in and the only mistake now would be if they tried to back out. They couldn't back out now. And with that thought, Harry slid his hand from beneath Ginny's, took another step forward, and pulled her toward him, wrapping his arms around her. He tried to fight back his tears, but was only mildly successful. Merlin. How long had it been since he'd had to fight back tears like this? "I'm sorry, too, Ginny," Harry replied, burying his face into Ginny's hair. "I'm sorry. I should have apologized to you years ago but..." He stopped himself. No, no buts. No excuses. "I messed up, Ginny. I messed up."
At the moment, Ginny felt she was in an extreme pit of wallowing and self pity. A pit of the lowest of lows. In a pit where it just didn't get any worse. There was no possible way that it could! She just felt absolutely miserable at the current moment! But there was one bright side to the entire situation. Once you've reached a complete and utter low, there's nowhere to go but up. If things carried on, Ginny had a feeling that there might be some improvement in her immediate future. Well, that was if things worked out the way she wanted them to. If they worked differently, then she would probably realize that she really wasn't as low as you could possibly be. She would establish a new meaning and level of low. Oh how thrilling.
Without hesitation, Harry pulled his hand out from underneath Ginny's, and pulled her into a tight embrace. Once his arms were around her, Ginny could do nothing but nuzzle into her shoulder, a sensation of comfort swelling inside of her now that she was back in Harry's arms. And it had been so long. Too long. Why had it taken her so long to come and see him? Oh yeah, that bloody thing called pride. The first year after their bitter fight, she was filled with anger and frustration. The next she was waiting for him to come apologize to her. She wasn't at fault. Why should she apologize? Then the year after that, she was filled with anger and frustration once again! The anger and frustration that he had made absolutely no effort to come and reconcile. And from that point on, she had given up entirely. Until Hogwarts had filled her with the memories, until she had read about him becoming an Auror trainer in the Daily Prophet, until she had seen him there that very day, teaching apparation lessons. By now it just seemed so...so petty to be living in utter silence from one another. It was so long ago. Let by-gones be by-gones? Unfortunately it was a lot harder than that.
"I'm sorry, too, Ginny," Harry replied, nuzzling into Ginny in return. "I'm sorry. I should have apologized to you years ago but..." Harry trailed off, and Ginny was getting ready to hear a windfall of excuses. She was traveling a lot? Oh Merlin, he better not pull that card. She was home on several occasions that he could have come to speak with her. He still talked to Ron. Ron could lay out her entire traveling schedule for him. That was not an excuse. Now, what else could he possibly say? Oh, he was planning on doing it, but then just got busy. Work swallowed him whole, to say the least. Ginny's bitter resentment at the thought was evidence that they still had a little bit of talking to do before things could just be peachy keen again. "I messed up, Ginny. I messed up." Wait, no excuses? Nothing? Ginny found herself pleasantly surprised. So he had learned a thing or two over the years, hadn't he? What improvement.
Feeling the need to say something, Ginny searched her mind. Still, though, what was there to say? They had apologized, and now what? Catch up on lost time? Try to establish a relationship again, even if only at a friendly level? Or perhaps they needed to discuss a few things again. But no, all the same Ginny felt so foolish. "It was so stupid," Ginny murmured. "So stupid. It wasn't worth losing ten years." Losing ten years? Did they lose ten years? Well, as friends, yes. As a couple, no. They had been broken up, thanks to Harry and his Golden Boy act. Then again maybe that was something that needed to change about Ginny. She needed to stop holding grudges and placing all the blame on one person. Harry just seemed to be a favorable target at the current moment.
Finding she had nothing else to say, Ginny continued to nuzzle into Harry, feeling so warm and comfortable, just standing there in his arms, in his tight embrace. She closed her eyes, allowing herself to drift away into what might be a false comfort, what might just come crumbling down in mere seconds. She should enjoy it while she could, right? They were already hugging, so the damage had been done no matter what. If things started to turn out badly, then at least she could look back and say that she had found some sort of comfort in the gesture.
"I missed you." It spilled out before Ginny could even think about saying it, before she had even realized the words that her mouth was forming. And once they were out there, the words floated around Ginny's head, leering down at her, taunting her, dancing around. I missed you. You I missed. Missed you I.
Merlin. Ginny had never felt so completely and utterly out of control.
Re: The Deep End [ ISO: Ginny ; 2/7/09 ]
Unlike Ginny, Harry was feeling higher than he had for the last decade. His lowest of lows had been that period between when he had retired as an Auror and had been offered the job as an Auror trainer. At least when he had had a job, there was something to distract him. He came in contact with humans a lot more than he did while lounging around at home and someone, it successfully managed to make him not think about the major problems he had in his life. Of course, still, when someone mentioned the name 'Hogwarts' or 'Weasley,' Harry felt that nauseating lurch in his gut. For a long time he'd tried to ignore it, but after a while, he'd realized what the feeling was telling him: he should have never let Ginny out of his sights. He should have never let her walk away from him. He should have gone after her. But by the time he'd realized that, he'd thought to himself that it was far too late. That it would do neither of them any good if he went back to her, tried to win her back.
That thought was one of the many mistakes Harry had made over the years.
But as he hugged Ginny close to him, Harry began to see that it hadn't been the thought of it being too late that had kept him away from Ginny. It had been both fear and pride. Like Ginny, he hadn't wanted to admit he was wrong. He hadn't wanted to come crawling back to her like some pitiful sap. And he also didn't want to rejected. Above all, that was what he had feared. Harry had never had much confidence when it came to women and the fear that he would fail his task was always there. And after all the hits and misses he'd had at Hogwarts, Harry hardly expected himself to succeed, and the situation with Ginny had been the same. He hadn't thought he would succeed and that had scared him. Yes, the great Harry Potter was afraid of getting a door slammed in his face by Ginny Weasley, the little sister of his best friend. Embarrassing? Perhaps.
"It was so stupid," Ginny murmured. "So stupid. It wasn't worth losing ten years."
"No, it wasn't," Harry agreed, keeping his arms tightly wrapped around Ginny. There was almost a sense of panick in his mind as he stood there, holding Ginny. The thought that he'd lot ten years was almost frightening and he felt as though he would lose her again if he even loosened his grip. Harry had let Ginny walk away from him once and he wasn't about to let that happen again. He wasn't sure his heart could take it. The first time had left his devastated and feeling completely and utterly alone, but the second time could just about kill him. Well, Harry doubted it would literally kill him, but if he let Ginny go like that and not see her for another decade, something in him would definitely snap. The Boy Who Lived had grown up and although his body seemed more durable, his mind and soul had become more fragile. He was even eighty percent sure that a group of the Ministry workers had a "How long will it take for Potter to crack" pool going.
As he held Ginny, he felt her nuzzle into him and Harry simply pulled Ginny closer. He wasn't sure how close he could manage to pull her, but he wanted to be as close to her as he possibly could. He was careful not to crush her, but he didn't want to let her go either and nuzzled into her, his eyes fluttering close as well. Harry wanted to savor this moment and appriciate it for all it was worth. After all, he hadn't seen or heard from Ginny in nearly a decade and now, he finally had her in his arms again.
"I missed you."
The words came out suddenly, but to Harry, those words meant the world. He lifted his head and slowly opened his eyes. One hand moved from Ginny's waist to under her chin as he raised her head so she was looking into his eyes. The green eyes that had looked so faded and tired before had softened and there was a look that hadn't been in then for the last ten years. Harry leaned forward, gently resting his forehead against Ginny's. "I missed you, too," he whispered, his hand moving from beneath Ginny's chin to brush a strand of hair from her face and gently tucking it behind her ear. "I tried not to. I tried to tell myself to move on, that you were gone, but... No matter what, every time I closed my eyes... I saw you." He ran his fingers down the side of Ginny's face, his green eyes still locked on hers. "And I realized that for me, it was either you or no one at all. Ginny, I need you."
Re: The Deep End [ ISO: Ginny ; 2/7/09 ]"No, it wasn't," Harry agreed, pulling Ginny closer, if such a feat was even possible at all. She didn't protest of course, seeing as it was so wonderfully comforting to be in his arms. Ten years before, he had nearly shoved her out of his door. Now he was holding her so tight that she would never be able to leave, whether she wanted to or not. But she didn't want to. That was the last thing that she wanted at the moment. When she had been wandering from place to place searching for where she belonged, Ginny finally felt that she was right where she needed to be. No matter how awkward confronting him was, or how uncomfortable, whatever it turned out to be, she needed to do it. She had spent so much time obsessing, and it had to come to an end. Little did Ginny know what her little encounter with Harry would result in, but she didn't care. It didn't matter. It was a necessity. They would settle things, and Harry could stop being a skeleton in her closet.
Because honestly. If Ginny ever did decide to move on, and her new beau, boyfriend, husband, whatever he was, found out that Ginny had been thinking about Harry non stop for the last ten years? Oh Merlin, she would lose any sane man faster than she could say "I'm bloody over him!" Of course Ginny didn't have any intent to move on from Harry. Well, not quite yet at least. She didn't really have the intent to just jump back on the bandwagon where they left off either though. She could stand there and hug him like there was no tomorrow, feeling safe in his arms, but she couldn't pretend that nothing had happened and start dating him right away. Did Harry even want to date Ginny again? Maybe he had already moved on. You could never be entirely sure. But if he had been locking himself up inside this little cottage like Ginny was suspicious that he had, well, would any female want to deal with that? Well, any female that didn't understand the twisted workings of Harry Potter's mind for that matter.
After Ginny's minor slip, Harry moved his hand and placed it under Ginny's chin, lifting her head to she was looking him in the eyes. Those piercing green eyes that were...no longer quite so piercing. Just the dull look in Harry's eyes ignited a flame inside Ginny. He had really let himself go. He had completely and utterly let his life go to the dogs, and he didn't even care, did he? How could he not even care about himself? He was all he had, and that was the impression that he had been living under for all of his life! He could never involve his friends because he HAD to handle things alone. Yes, the prophecy was for Harry James Potter. Not for Harry James Potter assisted by Ron Bilius Weasley, Hermione Jane Granger and Ginevra Molly Weasley. But it wouldn't have hurt for him to let them help. They had been reaching out to him for his entire life, but he had never taken their hands. It was "below" him.
"I missed you, too."
Well, that was unexpected. Ginny's thoughts of remorse came to an abrupt halt. She had expected him to just smile and nod. And then brush everything away. "I tried not to. I tried to tell myself to move on, that you were gone, but... No matter what, every time I closed my eyes... I saw you." Ginny's stomach dropped a notch. He had been thinking about her? He had missed her? He had tried to let her go but couldn't? Merlin, and Ginny had thought she was alone. Well, it was quite the relief that she hadn't been the only one hopelessly devoted. It was always a good feeling to know that you weren't alone in that particular department. If you were, then well, society just had to regard you as a stalker. Which Ginny wasn't very fond of being. "And I realized that for me, it was either you or no one at all. Ginny, I need you."
Ginny stopped breathing instantaneously. That was unexpected as well. He needed her? Harry Potter needed someone? After all these years. Now that he was out of trouble, he needed someone? Nothing made any sense at all. Her heart pounding in her chest, Ginny was frantically thinking about what to do or say. What could she do? What could she say? How could she express how she was feeling without invoking rage inside of Harry? It was impossible! But wait, it was Ginny or no one at all? Wait, did he mean that in a romantic sense? Well, how else could he have meant it?
Pause. Stop. Slow down, Ginny was thinking frantically. She finally exhaled, her thoughts running like mad through her mind. From the counter she heard the simmering coffee pouring into the pot. Ginny needed caffeine. She needed it right then and there. Whoever said it was a stimulant was wrong. It calmed her nerves like magic. Ginny released Harry, and pulled away, making her way to the counter. She took one of the mugs and poured herself a cup, taking a sip. "Me or no one?" Ginny asked quietly, sounding like a cornered mouse. "When did you decide this?" He had said that he'd decided. If he had come upon the decision, how come he hadn't come to her? Why was she the one that come knocking on his door? "I mean...how long ago?" She mumbled, thinking that what she had said before might not make any sense. But hell, none of it made sense to Ginny at all.
Re: The Deep End [ ISO: Ginny ; 2/7/09 ]
Just like Ginny, Harry had no intention of moving on from Ginny. Not anymore at least. An odd some years ago, perhaps. Well, actually, it was more as if the people around him were trying to force him to move. Harry hardly ever pursued a woman on his own, after all, and the dates he'd gotten had mostly been due to his friends setting him up or his not wanting to be rude. Of course, none of those dates every amounted to anything. Sure, Harry sometimes managed to live through a second or third date, but a steady girlfriend was no something that had ever come out of dating. And after a few years, his dating lessened as people began to finally give up, and then after he retired as an Auror, he stopped dating altogether. Harry had just known he would never find anyone or rather, he would never be able to open up to anyone new. As nice and sweet and comforting as a woman could be, Harry just didn't know what to do with himself. After all, it wasn't as if he could talk about his past and whatnot, due to the fact most people already knew his past, not to mention Harry just didn't want to talk about it. And with all the close people he'd lost over the years, Harry just wasn't fit to let anyone else into his life.
But mostly, Harry just didn't feel as though there was anything else left for him. He thought that his part in the story was done and that he no longer mattered. That was perhaps the biggest reason why he'd let himself go. Harry had fullfilled his prophecy, after all, and there was no more to it. While other people functioned perfectly fine without a destiny or a prophecy or whatever, Harry, frankly, was lost. He'd spent so much time wishing there was no prophecy and wanting to control his own life but once he'd done what he'd been put on the planet to do, he suddenly had no idea what he was supposed to do next. The prophecy never told him what was going to happen to him after he defeated Lord Voldemort and since his life had basically revolved around that prophecy, once it was gone, Harry had let go. He was tired. He didn't want to keep going anymore. And more than anyone else in the world, Harry had thought he had the right to think that. Although his body was in its prime, mentally, Harry was done. He had achieved what he was supposed to do. What else was there?
His friends. His adoptive families. Ron. Hermione. Remus. Ginny. Everyone. Harry had kept going because he remembered them and knew they wouldn't let him just give up on himself, which was why he'd kept on living. He might have allowed himself to deteriorate slowly, but he was still going. Not for himself, but for the people he loved and the people who loved him. He might have pushed them away, distanced himself and began to live in an isolated world apart from them, but Harry still had them in his heart. What they had done for him in his time of need, he would never forget. But as the years had gone by, Harry found that he, perhaps, needed his friends more than he had during the war. Or rather, he needed someone to share his life with more than ever. He needed Ginny, the only person he could ever see himself with. She was the person who knew him inside and out and when he had been with her, Harry, for once, felt complete. Ever since he'd pushed her away and told her things would never work out between them, there had been a hole in Harry's life. He'd tried to fill it with other things, but in the end, he knew he couldn't.
It seemed Ginny was having a bit of trouble believing him though. Either that or she was just surprised. Harry couldn't quite tell, but he didn't try to keep holding onto her as she slipped out of his grip. In reality, he didn't want to let her go, in fear that he would never be able to feel her against his chest again, but he managed to reassure himself that she wouldn't run off. And Ginny didn't. She simply walked over to the counter to pour herself a cup of coffee. Previously, Harry had wanted coffee, but he didn't really want any at the moment, thinking the caffine would just make him more anxious and twitchy than he already was. So, instead, he just stood where he was, facing Ginny but not taking a step toward her.
"Me or no one?" Her voice was unsure. "When did you decide this?" Harry blinked. When? How the hell was he supposed to know when? It wasn't as if he wrote little notes to himself on his calender so when people asked things like that he could just look back and say, "Oh, I had an epiphany on June sixth and exactly twelve forty-two." "I mean...how long ago?"
"Er..." Harry started, not quite sure how to answer. He rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. All the years after Hogwarts were blurred together for Harry and it was a bit more difficult than most to figure out when he'd decided things. "I don't know, Ginny," he finally replied, a bit exhasperated. "I don't exactly keep track of my epiphanies." There was a hint of the old sarcasm in his voice, but Harry tried to refrain from getting too snippy. "A few years, I guess. A little while after I moved here." But Harry supposed that, subconciously, he'd made that decision a while ago, simply refused to accept it. After all, he hadn't expected Ginny would ever forgive him. He thought she'd moved on and if the only person for him had moved on, what better place to spend the rest of his lonely days than in a cottage on the outskirts of Godric's Hollow?
Re: The Deep End [ ISO: Ginny ; 2/7/09 ]
Harry remained where he was, watching Ginny as she poured herself a cup of coffee. She could almost feel his watchful eyes on her back. Closing her eyes for a fraction of a second, she took a breath and turned back around. She wished he could look somewhere else. Those green eyes, no matter how much they had dulled down since she had last seen him, could bore holes right through Ginny. Personally, she didn't want holes. She happened to like being a full and complete individual. Physically at least. Emotionally full and complete? Come on. Who was anymore anyways? Then again just because Ginny wasn't emotionally fulfilled didn't mean that everyone else wasn't either. But still. She could live in her little narrow minded world if she so pleased. And she did. Please.
"Er..." Harry started, obviously a bit taken aback by Ginny's question. It was a simple answer that she was looking for! Two days ago. Three weeks ago. A month ago. Years before? Merlin, if it was years before, Harry would have to turn around and high tail it out of the room. Ginny would just hope he wasn't thick headed enough to realize something like that years before without doing anything about it. "I don't exactly keep track of my epiphanies." Ginny sensed the sarcasm in Harry's voice, and man she didn't like it. Her brown eyes narrowed dangerously, giving Harry a look of annoyance. What did she expect? Even if Harry Potter was the Famous Boy Who Lived, he was just that. A boy. A male. He had a Y chromosome, thus condemning him to stupidity for the rest of his life.
Allow elaboration on Ginny's feelings at the moment. Harry had said he decided it was Ginny, or no one else. This could be said in sincerity, but it was doubtful. It could be a catch line to lure the unknowing or stupid female victim into bed with the so-called suave man, which would lead her to being used and dumped within the next twenty four hours. Or it could be something that he pulled right out of his arse just to make Ginny forgive him. The last two made her blood boil, and the first one made Ginny want to question Harry's sanity. Yes, she had been thinking about him ever since their fight. But she wasn't going to condemn herself to a life of loneliness if they never reconciled! Perhaps that's where the line was drawn between their similarities. Not that they actually had that many.
"A few years, I guess. A little while after I moved here," Harry finally answered. Ginny's eyes went wide as she gaped at him incredulously. A few years?! She gripped her coffee mug so tightly that she was afraid it would shatter right in her fist. Lips tightly pursed, she took a sip of coffee to try and calm herself. Merlin. Realizing Harry's eyes were still on her, Ginny turned around and roughly placed her coffee cup back on the counter, pouring herself another cup even though her hand was shaking like mad. Once she finished pouring, she returned the coffee cup, and took a sip from her mug. The tension, the fury...it wasn't going away. No amount of caffeine could calm her down at the moment. Finally giving up on calming herself down, Ginny placed her mug on the counter once again, putting it down so quickly that a wave of coffee spilled out of the top of the mug, landing on the counter. Ginny ignored it, and turned back around to face Harry.
"A few...years?" She asked slowly, her heart pounding once again. "A few years?! Harry!" How else could she express herself at the moment? "Merlin, Harry. I don't know if I should believe you or not! If you decided this a few years ago, then would it kill you to swallow your pride and come apologize to me?" So she was being slightly hypocritical. But honestly. She had been ready to move on from him. Well, on the outside. But it was a step farther than Harry was. Again, she hadn't condemned herself to a life of loneliness! "I mean, I come here and suddenly it's "Ginny, I miss you, Ginny I need you," two things that you've never said to me in our entire lives! And now you're telling me that you decided I was the only one for you, yet you never acted on it." Ginny stopped herself, and forced a large, deep breath. She lifted her hands and quickly rubbed her eyes, trying to clear her thoughts.
Letting out a large sigh, Ginny tried again. "If you needed me so badly, then why did I have to come to you? Or do you only need me and want me now that I'm here? Now that I'm present and at your disposal?" That was probably a lot more harsh than necessary, but Ginny was simply fighting to figure out which way was up or down at the moment. Worrying about being polite and thoughtful? Those came later.
Re: The Deep End [ ISO: Ginny ; 2/7/09 ]
Harry knew he'd pissed Ginny off a bit by letting some sarcasm slip into his voice, but he didn't really care. He hadn't really cared if someone was angry before and he sure as hell didn't care right then either. Sure, Harry lied at times, but it was usually for a good cause and other than that, he told to truth. He also didn't so much care about what other people thought of him and just went on being himself. When the entire world was against him, well, he cared, but he hadn't gone grovelling back to Ron when he had though Harry was an attention hogger. He hadn't taken back his statement about Voldemort being back simply because the Ministry and most of his peers had thought him a nutcase. Harry just told himself they where the nutters and in the end would find out the truth. Harry hadn't changed much in that manner, for he still didn't care what people thought of him as long as he was telling the truth. And well, Harry really didn't keep track of his epiphanies so Harry just let Ginny glare. If that was what she wanted to do, fine.
Of course, once Harry spat out his approximation, the glare seemed to turn into much more. He could see Ginny's grip on her mug tighten and he expected an explosion was on the way. She seemed to try and contain herself for a moment as she poured herself another cup, took a sip, and replaced the mug on the counter. But it wasn't a very calm action. It was more like she slammed the mug on the table. But instead of begging for forgiveness or wincing at Ginny's obvious anger, Harry braced himself. He'd always been somewhat of a fighter and he was never one to let someone walk all over him, whether he was at fault or not. It was just his natural instinct. Harry was always ready to defend himself and would, whatever it took. He wasn't afraid to yell or insult people or snarl or whatever.
"A few...years?" Here it came. "A few years?! Harry!" Harry stood his ground still. "Merlin, Harry. I don't know if I should believe you or not! If you decided this a few years ago, then would it kill you to swallow your pride and come apologize to me?"
Well, it probably wouldn't have killed him, but this was Harry. Apologizing wasn't exactly his strong point and neither were girls. Put together just called for disastor. Besides, Harry had always just assumed Ginny had been stronger than him and had been able to move on. After several years of not talking to each other, Harry didn't exactly think that randomly showing up at the Burrow would really work to his advantage. Yes, Harry Potter had been afraid. He had been afraid and unsure of himself as well as Ginny's reaction. He had ever reason to think Ginny would just slap him or slam the door in his face after a scathing, "I told you so." Harry would have been devastated if something like that happened. Well, he would have been furious, then devastated. And in the end, he rather preferred having a tiny sliver of hope that maybe Ginny still loved him than having his heart crushed to pieces so he would have all the more reason to throw himself into the jaws of a Hungarian Horntail.
Frankly, Harry probably would have rather taken on another Horntail than have to face Ginny's wrath.
"Ginny, I miss you, Ginny I need you," two things that you've never said to me in our entire lives! And now you're telling me that you decided I was the only one for you, yet you never acted on it."
Harry's blood was boiling and his urge to start yelling back heightened. He hadn't really yelled at anyone in a really long time and it felt as though all that pent up emotion was trying to burst out of his body. But unlike his teen years, Harry didn't have to deal with the teen angst and the hormones and he actually thought twice about what he did and he decided that yelling uncontrollably wouldn't exactly be the best way to solve this problem. Getting into another major fight would probably destroy whatever there was between Ginny and Harry forever.
"If you needed me so badly, then why did I have to come to you? Or do you only need me and want me now that I'm here? Now that I'm present and at your disposal?"
Harry narrowed his eyes slightly. He had the urge to yell, but held back, pausing for a few moments to compose himself. But still he still couldn't manage to keep back a little bit of snippiness. "Yeah, Ginny, because I've always be the kid of guy to take advantage of women," he said sardonically. "Harry Potter: the great womanizer." He let out a short bark of a laugh. "Maybe you haven't noticed, but when it comes to women, I'm rubbish. And, well, this whole situation, unfortunately, falls under that category." Harry paused, clenching his teeth together to try and force back any and all sarcastic and biting comments he might make. Those wouldn't exactly help the situation. He needed to reasonable and didn't need to get as defensive as he was becoming. Being defensive wasn't exactly the best way to go and Harry neeeded to stop. "I was afraid, okay? I was scared of what might happen. Like I said before, I should have apologized years ago, but I just... scared." Harry struggled a little with his words. It wasn't exactly easy for him to admit he was scared.
"I mean, going over to the Burrow to try and apologize only to find out you were still mad at me and, on top of that, had some perfect boyfriend that you would know doubt get married to would have killed me. It's bad enough being alone and miserable, but being jealous and having the confirmation that I was really going to be alone for the rest of my life would have just been the cherry on top of my existance." Harry was starting to go off again. He needed to stop himself before he went too far, but Ginny needed to know this. She needed to know that her existance had basically controlled the latter part of his life after Hogwarts. He knew he'd been stupid, worrying about all those things and being afraid that Ginny really had moved on, but well, he had done it. He'd officially wasted a good portion of his life thinking it was better to be miserable than to know the truth.
But in the end, as cliche as it was, the truth set him free. Well, sort of. It wasn't as if Harry still felt like he would need to throw himself off a very high object or into some dangerous environment if Ginny ended up slapping him and storming off in an angry rage. Well, Harry supposed he wouldn't kill himself, but he definitely wouldn't feel too good about anything for a long time.
Re: The Deep End [ ISO: Ginny ; 2/7/09 ]
Harry was getting angry. Ginny could easily tell that much. But bloody hell, what was she supposed to do? Turn into a fifteen year old school girl and swoon at what Harry had just said? Pretend that it was in some way...flattering?! Ha. Flattering. And Ginny's brother was a blast-ended screwt. Well...she couldn't mention Ron or else that could possibly make such a ridiculous statement true. But still. He needed her? Suddenly she was such a huge part of his life when she hadn't even talked to him in how many years? What had he been doing the rest of the time? Sitting there just thinking about her, waiting for her to come knock on his door so he could be complete? So that his NEED for her would be quenched? As if. It was a line if Ginny had ever seen one in her life. And she had. Many in fact, and they all got old very, very quickly.
Harry's eyes narrowed at Ginny's comments, preparing her to blow up right back at him. "Yeah, Ginny, because I've always be the kid of guy to take advantage of women," Harry replied sardonically. Okay, so he had a point there. Well, from what Ginny KNEW of him, he had a point. But for all she really knew, that could have changed. People could change. They could change in the course of a few months. Perhaps Harry had gone through drastic personality transformation. How the bloody hell was Ginny supposed to be able to know that? Read his mind? Yeah, like she was skilled in that. She didn't even know what she herself was thinking! Trying to work the inner-twisted membranes of Harry's twisted male brain was way too much trouble for Ginny. More than it was worth. More than HE was worth. Which is exactly why Ginny was glad to be female. At least things had SOME sense to them, whereas males were just fumbling along life, no clue about where to go or what to say. "Harry Potter: the great womanizer," Harry said, barking out a laugh.
Ginny's temper flared, and she was almost positive that a fire had started to burn in her eyes. Not one of passion, no. One that was desperate to burn anything that she looked at. Burn them, singe them, destroy them. "Maybe you haven't noticed, but when it comes to women, I'm rubbish. And, well, this whole situation, unfortunately, falls under that category."
"Rubbish. That's right, Harry, that pretty much sums it up to a T," Ginny replied furiously. She knew she shouldn't be throwing insults, hell she didn't have the right to, but his sarcasm, his cynicism...oh it deserved it. It bloody well deserved anything that Ginny could throw at him. As long as she remembered her conscience and the fact that she didn't want Harry to be mad at her for another decade. But it wasn't worth walking on eggshells for to make him not mad at her or what not. Fighting was something that just kind of happened for the two of them. It came naturally because Harry was used to (and still was in fact) people just taking his verbal blows and letting him be Mr. Angsty Teenager. Ginny, on the other hand, would throw them right back. She didn't fall under the "Let him walk all over me" category, and Merlin help her if she did.
"I was afraid, okay? I was scared of what might happen. Like I said before, I should have apologized years ago, but I just... scared." The Boy Who Lived. The one who had single handedly destroyed Voldemort was afraid. Of Ginny Weasley. 5'4", 120 pound Ginny Weasley. Maybe it was the red hair. The Weasley red hair often intimidated people making them think they were all hot headed and...on fire. No. It couldn't be the hair. Urgh. "I mean, going over to the Burrow to try and apologize only to find out you were still mad at me and, on top of that, had some perfect boyfriend that you would know doubt get married to would have killed me. It's bad enough being alone and miserable, but being jealous and having the confirmation that I was really going to be alone for the rest of my life would have just been the cherry on top of my existence." Well that was unexpected. He had thought Ginny would be on her way to marriage with Prince Charming? Hardly.
"Harry, the last action I got was with a co-worker that tried to assault me in a broom closet," Ginny replied, her voice accusing and condescending. She would conveniently leave out the details about her night in the Teachers Lounge with Jake Mitchell. She REALLY wasn't proud of that. If only she had known that he was already in a relationship, she wouldn't have made such a stupid mistake. It was all his fault. HIS FAULT! She still needed to confront him about that particular occasion by the way. She would have to add that to her To-Do list. "And that was back when I still worked for the Daily Prophet. A long time ago, okay? I have never met some handsome Prince Charming that makes me want to just...run off into the sunset with him and forget all about my problems." But still, the dating part wasn't the worst of it all.
"But honestly, Harry, if I had meant that much to you, you would have come." Wait. Maybe he wouldn't come. Ginny just hoped to God that he would. For her sake. But he had mattered to her, and she had known that all along. She hadn't gone either. Thinking of this, her anger softened for a few moments. How could she blame him when she was equally at fault? Then again she hadn't been the one to drive him ferociously away. He was the one who was mad at her in the first place. Usually the victim didn't go and beg the attacker for forgiveness. What did they need to be forgiven for? Allowing themself to be attacked? Talk about ironic.
Ginny turned away again, going back to her coffee. Without bothering to clean up the spill, she slowly took a sip, her mind still driving her crazy. It was leading her in so many bloody directions that she was going to turn into a tangled knot. A big stupid tangled knot. Maybe she had meant a lot to him, but not enough. Not enough for him to actually CARE to make the effort to come find her. Not like the traditional love story with the fairy tale ending that Ginny wished for so desperately. Just the thought of it made tears prick Ginny's eyes, but she wasn't going to let Harry see her cry. No. Never. He didn't deserve her tears, her feelings, anything. He didn't deserve it. Those thoughts alone made it worse, and tears now clouded her vision until a fat tear drop slid down her face. Bloody fantastic.
Re: The Deep End [ ISO: Ginny ; 2/7/09 ]
Perhaps Harry had expected Ginny to just eat up what he said and fall back into his arms. He denied it, but a small part of him really questioned that. After all, once his friends had moved on with their lives, all Harry had been left with were people who hadn't known him for all those years. They looked at him and they saw greatness. They looked at him and they saw a hero. As much as Harry hadn't wanted them to see that, he was still human and there was a part of him who didn't mind being pampered and didn't mind having people look up to him. And that part of him got used to the limelight and the effect he had on people. And it was that part of Harry that had wished Ginny was just like the rest of the population and just saw him as a hero and not as Harry Potter. But that wasn't what Harry really wanted. It was why he'd valued Ginny so much above all the other girls who'd swooned over him at school and tried to get him to even take a second glance at him. Ginny wasn't like the rest. She saw through the hero and saw him: Harry James Potter.
At the same time, it was that aspect of Ginny that made Harry's blood boil sometimes. From as long as she'd started talking to him, Ginny had been the one who wasn't afraid to butt heads with him and tell him that he was being a prat. Even Ron and Hermione had somewhat tiptoed around him in the past when he was angry, but Ginny had given him no mercy. And he supposed now would be the same deal. as much as Harry wished they could just make up, Ginny wasn't going to let things happen so easily, and Harry, naturally, would fight back if it came down to it. And, strangely, Harry felt a hint of nostalgia as he argued with Ginny. It was just like before, when he and Ginny would have little prattles over meaningless things or big things. And up until that day in his seventh year, they'd managed to get through whatever fights they had. Maybe if Harry hadn't taken that for granted, he would have had an argument with Ginny that lasted ten years.
"Rubbish. That's right, Harry, that pretty much sums it up to a T," Ginny replied scathingly and Harry shot her an angry glare. Oh, it was on now. Or so he thought to himself. But subconciously, Harry knew he couldn't just be rash and foolhardy as he had been in the past with Ginny. Their relationship was fragile, and at the moment, he and Ginny were stomping all over it. Harry wasn't sure how much more it could take, but at the same time, he had the urge to test that limit and see how much he could get away with indeed.
"Harry, the last action I got was with a co-worker that tried to assault me in a broom closet," Ginny replied, after Harry was done with his whole spiel. Surprisingly, Harry felt a huge wave of jealously wash over him and he felt the need to ask Ginny who it was and where he could find him. Despite not exactly being with Ginny anymore, it seemed his feelings for her were more present than he'd thought. After all, there weren't many people for which Harry would think to beat someone up. Of course, for all he knew, Ginny could have made that up to rile him up or just be sarcastic, but still, the feeling of jealously and rage didn't leave Harry. Oh, the things he could do to that unfortunate man... "And that was back when I still worked for the Daily Prophet. A long time ago, okay? I have never met some handsome Prince Charming that makes me want to just...run off into the sunset with him and forget all about my proble
And that comment seemed to lift Harry's spirits more than anything. He knew Ginny was being somewhat sardonic and it was no time to feel good, but Harry did. He felt good. Ginny hadn't found anyone, thus Harry still had a chance. He still had the possibility of being Ginny's Prince Charming (though he assumed she would punch his lights out if he tried at act the part) and that raised his spirits and gave him hope. Despite the fact that their situation wasn't at all good right now, there was a spark of hope.
Of course, then Ginny had to go on and rudely stomp all over the spark and kick sand in its face.
"But honestly, Harry, if I had meant that much to you, you would have come."
For a moment, there was a flare of anger, but then Harry felt suddenly sullen. He sagged, looking worn and defeated. He had no reply to that and could only watch as Ginny turned away from him to focus on her coffee while Harry beat himself up. He'd told himself that same question so many times and had come up with so many excuses that there didn't seem to be any left. And now that it had come out of Ginny's mouth, it seemed so much more potent and Harry felt defeated. Perhaps he was a bad person. Why hadn't he gone? He could face dragons and evil wizards, but he couldn't face the one woman he would ever love. It was pathetic. He was pathetic. But there wasn't anything he could do now. The ten years had passed and Harry had missed the chance to be the knight and come begging for Ginny's forgiveness. The spark of hope seemed so far away now.
"That's not fair, Ginny," Harry replied, his voice much softer than it had been before. And there was hint of pain in his tone. "You do mean that much to me. But I don't know what else to tell you. I told you, I screwed up. I missed my chance, but if you think that, why are you even here? Why didn't you just come, slap me across the face, and leave?" Harry wanted to be closer to Ginny, but he couldn't get himself to move. "What do you want me to say, Ginny? What do you want me to do?"
Re: The Deep End [ ISO: Ginny ; 2/7/09 ]
[ooc: Arg I was writing out a response yesterday and it deleted it. So I went to bed instead. Haha. But I'm home sick now so yay for posting time!]
If Ginny had known what Harry was thinking at the current moment, her heart would have shattered into a million different pieces. She didn't want to kill every hope of them having an intimate relationship ever again, but she had to be realistic! She didn't want to lead herself into some trap of thinking that everything was going to be fantastic just the way it was. It had been nearly ten years since the two had talked. They couldn't just "pick up where they left off." Where HAD they left off? In a fight. A big fight. Then again, apparently they were picking up where they left off. Just fighting about something else now. It was just so...traditional of them, wasn't it? They had bickered and snipped at each other countless times. It was like a walk down memory lane just to fight with him again. But it was a necessity, wasn't it? Again, Ginny had to be realistic. After all, she had to take care of herself. She was her own keeper. She couldn't rely on Harry to have her best interests in mind because he was probably just as confused as she was!
"That's not fair, Ginny," Harry replied. His voice was soft, sad and let down. Not angry or furious as Ginny had expected. She drew in a quick breath and stifled a sob by covering her mouth with her hand, closing her eyes as more tears slid down her face. Why did everything have to be so difficult? Why did she have to be so bloody emotional on top of everything else? Like she didn't have enough problems, she had to go and wail and sob like a four year old. But she couldn't help it. It just came out. "You do mean that much to me. But I don't know what else to tell you. I told you, I screwed up. I missed my chance, but if you think that, why are you even here? Why didn't you just come, slap me across the face, and leave?" Harry asked. It was a good question. Why was Ginny still there? Why hadn't she just left once this whole thing started?
Hope.
That was why. She had hope that things would work themselves out, that she wouldn't leave on a negative note. That Harry would work some sort of magic to make everything better, and she wouldn't have to feel this pain anymore. But then again what in Merlin's name could Harry do to make everything better? Nothing. That was right. There was nothing that he could do, and if there was, you could hardly rely on him to think of it. As harsh an cruel as it was, it was the honest truth. Harry could be the most famous and talented wizard in the wizarding world, but like he had said before, he was rubbish when it came to girls. But it was only normal. Ginny would be a bit put off if he was talented, famous, AND suave. Then you would have to sit there wondering if that person was for real, or just whipping out a bunch of lines. Despite Harry's classic not suave nature, he seemed to have thought up some lines of his own since she had last seen him. Bugger it all.
"What do you want me to say, Ginny? What do you want me to do?"
The hell with it all. Ginny opened her eyes and turned around, letting her hand slide away from her mouth, her face shining with tears. She looked like a wreck, her puffy red eyes only helping it along. What a disaster. Well, Harry would see her cry now. Fantastic. "I don't know, Harry," Ginny replied, placing her hands on the top of her head, feeling almost all of her hope slide away. "I don't know what I want you to say, I don't know what I want you to do...I don't even know what to do with myself! I have never felt so...so lost in my life!" Ginny stopped speaking and fell silent, the only sounds coming from her being the occasional sniffle for a few moments.
"What I really want to do," Ginny said, swallowing hard, "is forget about everything that's happened and just be able to go on with my life without thinking about you every single day." As the words came out, Ginny knew they would hurt. They hurt her just from saying them. Yes, she wanted to forget about Harry. She wanted to be able to continue on with her life and not have to be haunted by his memory. But as much as she wished for it, it clearly wasn't an option. "And I've been trying to forget about you for...years," Ginny continued on in frustration, feeling she had let all of her dignity slip away forever. Did she even HEAR what she was saying? "But I can't, Harry. That's just it, I can't."
Ginny dropped her arms to her side once again and just stood watching Harry, not bothering to wipe the tears from her eyes or hide anything. There was no use in doing so anymore. "If I could have just forgotten I wouldn't have come."
Re: The Deep End [ ISO: Ginny ; 2/7/09 ]
Oh, how Harry desperately wished they could pick up where they left off. That way they wouldn't have to go through all of this bickering and fighting and just be okay again. Harry should have known better than most that nothing could ever be done like that. As much as he wished things could be back to the way they were, there was no going back. Both of them had changed too much and they weren't teenagers anymore. They were adults and unlike teenagers, adults were looking for closure and wanted a relationship that would mean something, not just satisfy their hormones. Of course, Harry knew that he and Ginny's relationship had never been about hormones. Well, okay, so the hormones were inevitable for teenagers, but it had meant more than most relationships in the teen years. Their relationship had been deep and even though it didn't last as long as most intimate relationships, they had forged a connection that was powerful -- powerful enough that both of them still felt it now, ten years later.
But unforunately, that connection could not just be made back into a relationship. Harry had realized that there was just no going back. There were some wounds that would just never heal and some strings that couldn't just be picked up again. It was times like these that Harry wished magic could just solve everything. After all, he was known as one of the greatest wizard in his time, wasn't he? He could do things most witches and wizards couldn't do in their entire life, yet he couldn't even help himself get back the one woman who would make his life complete. What use was magic when it couldn't fix something like this? Harry knew he couldn't just look to magic to solve everything, but he just wished there was an easy solution to this thing. He wanted Ginny back and he had said that, but it seemed like Ginny was unsure. What more could he do?
Harry was about to say something when Ginny suddenly turned around, her eyes red and puffy with tears. The young man looked at her, feeling tears of his own starting to well up in his eyes. He couldn't stand seeing Ginny cry. She was supposed to be the strong stubborn one who didn't cry and just told him he was being a jerk. They didn't cry. Neither of them did, so when Harry saw those tears, he felt hopeless and he felt as though Ginny was telling him she felt the same way.
"I don't know, Harry," Ginny said, putting her hands n the top of her head. Harry didn't want to hear that. "I don't know what I want you to say, I don't know what I want you to do...I don't even know what to do with myself! I have never felt so...so lost in my life!"
No, Ginny couldn't say that to him. She was supposed to have everything planned out and she was supposed to demand he do something and Harry was supposed to grudgingly agree after a few minutes of arguing. This wasn't how it was supposed to go.
"What I really want to do," Ginny said, swallowing hard, "is forget about everything that's happened and just be able to go on with my life without thinking about you every single day." The words stung and Harry felt himself take a step backward, as though he were feeling physical pain from the words. But he knew the feeling. He knew that sometimes, it seemed it would be better to just forget it all than to have to live with the pain. Harry himself had thought the same way at times. He hadn't wanted to keep thinking about Ginny all the time. He wanted to just move on with his life and try to live some semblance of a life. "And I've been trying to forget about you for...years," Ginny continued on in frustration. Harry quickly brushed a tear that was beginning its descent down his cheek. He had to remain strong. He had to at least pretend he was fine, even when he really wasn't. "But I can't, Harry. That's just it, I can't."
"If I could have just forgotten I wouldn't have come."
There was a long pause as Harry didn't say anything. He had averted his eyes, looking at the floor to his left. He stood like that for a moment, trying to collect his thoughts and compose himself. He was hurting and he knew Ginny was, too. There were so many things he wanted to say, but he didn't think neither he nor Ginny could take much more. They were already wearing down and the more they said, the more damage they seemed to take. It was as if that wall Harry had put around himself that Ginny had managed to tear down was now flinging its remains everywhere. Both he and Ginny wer getting struck by the metaphorical boulders that came flying from the wall and without anything to protect them, they took the full amount of damage.
"But you are here," Harry said quietly. He turned his gaze back to Ginny. "Which means you must have had some hope, some thought that maybe, something good would happen, right?" Harry looked at her, trying to conceal the pain and desperation he was feeling. He took a bold step forward, though made sure to keep some distance between them. "You came because you thought we still have a chance... and I want us to have another chance." Harry had no idea what he was saying. Words were just spilling out of his mouth, but everything he was sayng, he believed to be true. "But we'll never know if we don't try again, Ginny. I'm not saying everything will go back to the way they were... but just..." Harry bit his lip. He knew what he was proposing was crazy. They hadn't settled anything since Ginny had gotten here, but what other choice did they have? After all, their relationship had been started and ended with impulse, so why couldn't it be started again with it?
"If you can't fix it... you've got to stand it," Harry said, looking Ginny in the eye. "Just... stay with me. A little while longer. Please." A hint of desperation trickled through.
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