Ouze Stinkeefeets
has something against frogs
Posts: 4206
(10/28/04 3:00 am)
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This is what i do.
I don't do drugs.
I don't do drugs.
I write bizarre emails and hope to get serious responses.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Joe Beaumont" <slingojoe@mchsi.com>
Date: Thu, 28 Oct 2004 23:04:57 -0400
To: webmaster@bettendorf.org
Subject: Public Works Dept
_________________________________________________________
Dear City of Bettendorf,
I'd like to call your attention to something most unpleasant I have seen every day this week. There is a large dead raccoon on Middle Road, in between Tanglefoot and Bellmont. Now while I am a man of the world and so am accustomed to seeing the occasional unlucky rodent or small mammal, this was not something my 5 year old daughter Polly expected to see. The first time I saw it, I tried speeding up so she wouldn't see. No luck there. All I heard was a scream from the backseat, as Polly said, Daddy! Ranger Rick is hurt! I tried to tell her he was just sleeping. She seemed to believe me. The next day, Tuesday,she saw it again as we went to Hyvee to get apples so we could make caramel apples together. Daddy, she said, Ranger Rick must be very sleepy. Why doesn't he get up? Why don't we take him to the doctor so he gets better? I finally realized I had to explain that the racoon was dead and would never ever have another caramel apple ever. This was not something she wanted to hear. Why is he by the side of the road? She asked. I had to tell her, because the City of Bettendorf must not have seen him yet. I tried to tell her he probably died peacefully despite the bloody tire track near him. She seemed dubious.
On Wednesday, she asked me what those white things were in his eyes. I told her they were little worms and flies, trying to bring him to heaven, because the City of Bettendorf was too busy to help him.
On Thursday, she asked why Ranger Rick smelled so bad. I told her he had made a stinky to let the City of Bettendorf know he was still there.
On Friday, she asked me why he had gotten so much bigger. I was running out of good excuses so I told her it was because he was so full of sorrow. She asked why he was so sad. I said it was because the City of Bettendorf wouldn't bury him, so he couldn't go to racoon heaven and be with God.
Please rectify this.
Yours,
Joe Beaumont
(not my real name)
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