June 1st - June 19th
It's almost summer! The last few weeks of school have come, and students will need to study hard for their final exams! Don't let up yet, or your grades won't be what you want them to. Of course, the weather is almost perfect and pristine, in attempts to lure students away from their studies.
Harry's attempts to hide his tears were extremely successful, but didn't quite have the effect he was looking for. Ginny perceived it as a lack of emotion, a lack of caring. How could he be so bloody calm when Ginny was spiraling off toward insanity?! It wasn't fair. Males never cried. That was a huge presumption, of course, and Ginny knew otherwise seeing as she had six brothers, but still. They cried around family. Which wasn't considered public. A discussion between Ginny and Harry was indeed private, but they didn't have the "private" kind of confidence in each other anymore. Which Ginny translated into being the reason that he wouldn't cry in front of her. Maybe he didn't need to cry. Maybe he wasn't feeling emotions similar to Ginny's. How could that be? If everything that he was saying was for real, then why wouldn't he be upset at all? Here Ginny was, crying her eyes out, and he couldn't even show a shred of evidence showing that he cared. Other than words.
But then, once Ginny said she wanted to forget about him, he staggered backwards. It was almost as if her words had a physical form, and had hit him painfully. A hard blow. Ginny knew it wasn't what he wanted to hear, but they were trying to establish something. Some kind of personal relationship, whatever it was. As far as Ginny was concerned, no positive human relationship was created from lies.
"But you are here," Harry said quietly. Ginny watched him silently, waiting for him to continue. "Which means you must have had some hope, some thought that maybe, something good would happen, right?" Now he was finally showing some sign of emotion. It looked almost like pain or desperation. Which was painful for Ginny to see, but almost comforting at the same time. She didn't want to be alone in being hopelessly lost while her heart was broken into a million different pieces. "You came because you thought we still have a chance... and I want us to have another chance." Ginny's stomach fluttered with butterflies for a moment, but she simply sniffled as another tear streaked down her face. "But we'll never know if we don't try again, Ginny. I'm not saying everything will go back to the way they were... but just..."
Ginny's head continued to pound. Harder and harder. It was almost like too much information was being crammed into her head over the span of a few milliseconds. Her mind wasn't built to retain that much, to think that much, to fear, love, hate, and dread as much as she was at the moment.
"If you can't fix it... you've got to stand it," Harry said. Oh fantastic. No, Ginny would much rather run away from it. They'd been doing it for the last ten years, so why not just continue? Was it even worth trying to get through? "Just... stay with me. A little while longer. Please." He sounded desperate. By hell, it sounded like he did need her. Don't let yourself get caught up in some ridiculous fantasy, Ginny commanded herself.
Raising a hand, Ginny quickly wiped the tears from her face. There. They wouldn't show anymore. Only in her eyes. "Look at us, Harry," Ginny said softly, with a small laugh. There was nothing else she could do at the moment. "I've been here a total of fifteen minutes and we're already fighting." It was the truth. Prolonging her visit would only make them fight more, and more, and more. All she really wanted to do was go on a very, very long walk to try and organize her thoughts. Then, maybe, she could trust herself to make the right decision. Not now. Not when everything was so awkward and confusion. So new and scary even. "If I stay we'll just kill each other."
Sniffling, Ginny wondered if she could make a rightful dash out of his house after that. But she found that her feet were firmly planted on his kitchen floor, not willing to let her go anywhere. Ugh, she had buckled. She couldn't move. She was frozen. "But Harry," Ginny continued, her eyes darting from Harry to the door, back to Harry. When she looked into his green eyes once again, her own softened in an almost pained manner. She had waited so long to see those eyes, and now she wanted so badly to leave. But could she help it? "I mean, fighting things out is the best way to handle...certain things." Ginny started her argument gently, knowing again that it wasn't something that Harry wanted to hear. "When it's worth it." Sighing, Ginny continued. "It's not worth it if we're going to fight and bicker and hate each other. And then kill each other. I would rather just...rather just leave right now before we reach that point."
Re: The Deep End [ ISO: Ginny ; 2/7/09 ]
Lack of emotion was the last thing Harry wanted to portray. If anything, he wanted Ginny to know what he was feeling and how he just wished she could see the extent of his pain. But at the same time, he felt his overwhelming need to stay strong. Despite the fact the world wasn't resting on his shoulders anymore, Harry could never shake the feeling that he had so much responsibility and that he could not display weakness in public. He felt as though people were constantly watching him and he couldn't stand that feeling, which was one of the reasons he'd isolated himself by moving to Godric's Hollow. But over the ten years, Harry had tried to make himself a rock, attemping to be indifferent, thought not entirely on purpose. Harry just had a feeling that there was no one else who could help him. There was no one else he could let into his life. And so, for the past ten years he'd kept all of these emotions bottled up inside of him. But from the moment Ginny had knocked on his door, it was as if that cap on all of those emotions had blown off.
Harry had no idea what to do with himself.
But it seemed as though Harry didn't have to know what to do with himself. His heart and his body had other plans and seemed to leave his dazed mind in the dust, spilling out his guts and trying to tell Ginny what he should have told her so many years ago -- that he both wanted and needed her. Of course, it was almost as if were too late now, but Harry wasn't about to give up. He believed himself firmly when he had said if you can't fix it, you have to stand it. His words, perhaps, hadn't fixed anything, but he would stand it. He would accept the fact he'd messed up and he would live through whatever Ginny would make him do, but he wouldn't be able to stand it if Ginny walked away from him now. Running wasn't an option now and Harry wanted Ginny to realize that. If either of them ran now, nothing would ever be settled and they would simply be left with even more loose ends than they had and the monster that was tearing them from the inside out would only become more vicious.
Harry was tired of what-ifs. He was tired of lying in his bed, staring at the ceiling, wonder what would have happened if he'd handle the situation differently. He didn't want to think about that anymore. He wanted to know. He wanted to try. And even if he didn't work, he could, at least, tell himself that he'd tried and it had simply been out of his power. Of course, Harry doubted he would be able to accept that, but at least that would be better than letting Ginny slip away yet again.
Ginny wiped the tears from her eyes. Harry wished he could have gotten himself to do it, but he didn't dare take another step forward. "Look at us, Harry," Ginny started, a small laugh escaping her lips. "I've been here a total of fifteen minutes and we're already fighting." Harry understood that. He had realized that himself, but he had accepted it. They had problems to solve and the way Harry and Ginny solved things was by having these little scraps. Although Harry wished they could find a more diplomatic way to do things, this worked for them. They had never been the kind of couple to just apologize and get along with their lives. They were both stubborn and hot-headed and this was what happened when two people like them got together. But, for some reason, it had worked and Harry wanted it to work again. "If I stay we'll just kill each other."
A smile managed to find its way onto Harry's face. He wasn't exactly sure why he'd smiled, but he felt as though Ginny was telling the truth -- perhaps they would kill each other. But what else was new? Harry's and Ginny's relationship had always been about witty banter and bickering and while they were never exactly at each other's throats, they did argue a bit more, since Ginny hadn't been the type to just let him do what he wanted. When he stepped out of line, Ginny made sure to tell him he was being an arse and Harry would, in turn, roll his eyes or something and they would go on like that until, by some miracle, they were in each other's arms again. It was how their relationship had been and killing each other seemed to be just another cycle in the crazy relationship that was Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley.
"But Harry," Ginny continued, and Harry saw her eyes dart to the door and back. This distressed Harry slightly, as he interpreted it as Ginny's wanting to leave. But he didn't want her to leave. She couldn't leave like this, when they hadn't even agreed on anything. She couldn't leave right in the middle of things. "I mean, fighting things out is the best way to handle...certain things." Harry nodded slowly. "When it's worth it." But wasn't this worth it? Harry believed it was and he was very much willing to fight for their relationship, whether Ginny was or not. She might have given up, but Harry wasn't about to give it up with trying and fighting more. "It's not worth it if we're going to fight and bicker and hate each other. And then kill each other. I would rather just...rather just leave right now before we reach that point."
"But how do you know that will happen?" Harry asked immediately. "You don't and you won't until we try." He took another tentative step foward. "Besides, this is what we do, Ginny. We've always been pushing each other's buttons, but that's just how we work. And maybe we will kill each other. Maybe one of us will come out dead by the end of the hour. I don't know." He gingerly but firmly put his hands on Ginny's shoulders. "But if that's what's going to happen, fine. Let it happen. We can't just play things safe forever, Gin. Let's see what happens." Harry looked at her, his green eyes searching deep into the youngest Weasley's eyes, trying to find any hint that would betray her feelings to him. He wanted to see something... anything. He wanted to know whether or not she was willing to give them another chance. Harry felt as though he were falling and Ginny was the only person who could catch him and save him. But whether or not she would be there to do so was the question.
Re: The Deep End [ ISO: Ginny ; 2/7/09 ]"But how do you know that will happen?" Harry asked immediately. Ginny wanted to throw her arms up in frustration and just scream. How did she know? How the bloody hell could she NOT know?! It was one of the most obvious things since she had gotten there! Hello, small talk, how's your life, and then like a chemical was being released, they started to fight incessently! That was all there was to it. How could he not see that? Oh right, he was a man. But weren't they supposed to catch up to females in the sense of maturity by the time they were 26? And what did that make Harry? 28? Oh Merlin, if Harry was 28, Ginny was 27. Meaning her thirtieth birthday was looming closer and closer. In August she would be another year older, another year closer to when the biological clock would start to tick annoyingly away. Oh Merlin. Save her. "You don't and you won't until we try."
Ginny opened her mouth to protest, to say something to shoot Harry's hopeful remarks down. My, my, aren't we the pessimist? Ginny wanted to swat her subconscious away. It's bloody necessary. Before she could even form her motuh around the words, however, Harry was continuing, taking a cautious step toward her. Ginny didn't retreat. "Besides, this is what we do, Ginny. We've always been pushing each other's buttons, but that's just how we work. And maybe we will kill each other. Maybe one of us will come out dead by the end of the hour. I don't know." With that, Harry put his arms gently on her shoulders, but even with the light weight of them, she thought her knees were going to collapse. "But if that's what's going to happen, fine." Ginny's mind was swimming. No, not fine... she wanted to say, but the words couldn't come out. "Let it happen. We can't just play things safe forever, Gin. Let's see what happens."
Ginny swallowed hard, having the burning impression that she had swallowed her own tongue. After a pause, however, she untwisted her thoughts and went on for the next round. "Harry, maybe you haven't realized, but we have about a two second rebound rate. We'll fight and rip and tear, make up, and then something else will come up again and we'll start going at each other's throats again!" Her legs were going to crumple right then and there if Harry didn't take his hands off of her shoulders. She was going to fall to the ground like a stack of toothpicks and scatter all over the floor. No. She had to be stronger than that. She buckled her knees and prepared to take on the weight of a two thousand pound boulder if she had to. If it ever came to that. Ginny's voice went soft, and she continued. "I just don't understand how you can't see it, Harry. It's inevitable. I don't want to leave here hating you." Ginny looked down at the floor, feeling something in the bottom of her stomach drop away. She felt like she was going to be sick.
Looking up into Harry's eyes, there was a sense of longing in her own. There was a look of want, a look of need. If only she could have masked that sort of emotion, pushed it away so her need wouldn't be quite so obvious. He couldn't know that she needed him, no, never. Because he would find some twisted, perverse way to make her stay there with him. But deep down, she wanted so badly to stay. Why did her emotions and intelligence have to pull her into eighteen thousand different directions?!
Closing her eyes, she braced herself for what was going to happen. "What h appens if I stay?" She questioned tentatively.
Re: The Deep End [ ISO: Ginny ; 2/7/09 ]
Harry was feeling more desperate by the minute. What if Ginny shot him down? What if she scowled at him and just told him he was wrong? Harry wasn't sure what he'd do if that happen. Well, he'd probably just mope around for another ten years, if he managed to survive that long. And he might not ever see Ginny again, which would absolutely crush him. He'd already made the mistake of pushing her as well as all of his friends away and this seemed like his moment to try and fix at least one aspect of his life. Harry, after he'd done everything he'd done, had looked back on his life and sort of decided that perhaps he hadn't handled everything as well as he could have. He hadn't done anything about it for so long, but now was the time to try and fix it. If he could get Ginny back, maybe he'd be able to start piecing his life back together again. Maybe he'd start actually living again and get out of this rut he was in.
"Harry, maybe you haven't realized, but we have about a two second rebound rate. We'll fight and rip and tear, make up, and then something else will come up again and we'll start going at each other's throats again!" Ginny was right, but Harry didn't want to admit it. After all, they always managed to make up, didn't they? They'd successfully had a relationship in Harry's sixth years until Harry had to play hero and push her away. Until that one fateful fight, they had managed to make things work and who was to say they couldn't do it again? People were supposed to learn from their mistakes and Harry sure as hell would learn from his. He'd been stubborn in the beginning and had refused to admit he'd made a mistake, but as the years had rolled by, he'd taken the blinders off of his eyes at last. And now, he knew he'd screwed up and he didn't want to do the same thing again.
So even if he had known Ginny's knees were about to buckle, he wouldn't have taken his hands from her shoulders. He needed the contact. He needed something to remind himself that he was still alive and that he could still feel. "I just don't understand how you can't see it, Harry. It's inevitable. I don't want to leave here hating you."
Harry looked at Ginny, his green eyes flashing with intensity. "I don't want you to leave here with me regretting that I didn't stop you," he replied, a fierce determination in his voice. "I made the mistake of letting you walk away from me, but I'm not going to make the same mistake twice, Ginny. Even if you do end up walking out that door, at least I won't think to myself, 'What if I'd stopped her?' No more regrets, Ginny. No more." He continued to look at Ginny and as he did, her expression changed. She was looking at him with a sort of longing look that made his heart melt. But still, Harry refused to back off. He needed to be strong. He needed to show Ginny that they had a chance and that they had to try. That if they didn't try now, they'd spend the rest of their lives regretting the fact they never did.
Harry held his breath, waiting to hear what Ginny had to say. Would she walk out on him? "What happens if I stay?"
The relief Harry felt was undescribable. Even though she didn't flat out say that she was going to stay, it was close enough. The man could hardly contain himself. In fact, he seemed unable to. His heart swelled and, without thinking about it, took his hands off of Ginny's shoulders, took a bold step foward, and brought his lips to hers while at the same time throwing his arms around her. He didn't even think about what he was doing. And by the time he realized what he was doing, he couldn't help but just feel warm inside. This was so much like the first time he'd kissed Ginny and that moment was one of the best memories he'd had in his life. Kissing Ginny that first time had just been so great and so amazing and nothing had ever come close to that moment. Harry had felt like his heart would explode. And he felt that same way right now. Despite all of their problems, kissing Ginny again was like bringing them back to the beginning, where Harry wished they could start from again.
Re: The Deep End [ ISO: Ginny ; 2/7/09 ]
[ooc: Mild language. ]
"I don't want you to leave here with me regretting that I didn't stop you." Harry sounded fierce and determined. Almost scary. But is that how he felt? Regretful that he hadn't stopped her the last time that she left? The last time she had turned her back on him. Wait, was that what she did? Is that what it seemed like? That she had just up and left him, abandoned him when he had needed someone the most? Well what the bloody hell was she supposed to do instead? Sit there and let him rip her apart piece by piece for being honest with him? Telling someone your honest opinion and being straight forward should not result in being berated and insulted. So where was the value of honesty then? Completely non-existent. "I made the mistake of letting you walk away from me, but I'm not going to make the same mistake twice, Ginny. Even if you do end up walking out that door, at least I won't think to myself, 'What if I'd stopped her?' No more regrets, Ginny. No more."
Ginny didn't want to regret anything either. What would she regret the most? Making it as far as his house, having a somewhat civil conversation with him and then walking out? Or staying long enough for things to really start to simmer? How would they simmer? Part of Ginny started to think about a simmering passionate scenario, but she needed to squish that image. It would simmer in a passionate argument, in a fight, in hatred, discontent, and then she would walk out. And they would be back to square one. Congratulations, Harry and Ginny! Look at all that you accomplished! Aren't you proud? Would she regret going back to square one? Yes. Would she regret leaving now if they could have come to some sort of reconciliation? Yes. Would she regret staying there and possibly spending the night and letting things get a bit passionate... Shut the bloody fuck up, Ginny warned herself. Her hormones were running away with her.
After her question implying that she might stay, she couldn't help but continue to wonder which she would regret the most. Leaving, staying, exploding? Imploding? That one was just as painful, most likely. But how would she know? She had never imploded before. Her little sidelong thoughts were cut short, however. Not by her this time either. Harry removed his hands from her shoulders, and before she could say another word, his lips were on hers.
Warmth. Complete and utter warmth. Oh Merlin, she was melting. Her legs were going to give way at any moment. Any second now. She hadn't kissed Harry in so long...too long. She hadn't kissed bloody anyone in too long. Meaning she shouldn't let her mind run away with her. It was probably impaired by backed up emotions and feeling of longing and need. What if it wasn't Harry that she wanted? Just a warm body beside her so she didn't feel so alone anymore? If that was the case, however, then why was Ginny's mind going positively gooey just from one simple kiss? No one else had done that to her. Not even Harry ten years before. Having the boy that she had loved all of her life kiss her in front of the entire Gryffindor house had been amazing, yes, but nothing felt like this. Before she could realize it herself, she was kissing him back. Her hand snaked around to the back of his head and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss.
Fire. Passion. Heat.
INSANITY! Ginny's thoughts started to swirl around her mind like crazy. What was she doing? What was she getting herself into? Oh but it felt so good. So bloody good. She felt alive, she felt...no. Never. She couldn't be in love! Not with someone she hadn't spoken to in ten years. But then why had she come to his house, following him if she didn't love him. Somehow, Ginny knew that she had always loved Harry, and always would. How horribly cliché was that? It was to a new level for Ginny. But this level...it almost felt good. Because she had a feeling that she wasn't alone in the love department? What if she was though? What if Harry just wanted a quick fix to cure his current loneliness, and then he would just go back to being a recluse? No...it wasn't Harry. But then again, what if?
She couldn't let him. She would have to shock and awe. Make him realize that he wanted nothing but Ginny forever and ever and ever. Imagine, Ginny feeling so dependent on someone else that she wanted them to be dependent on only her. This was not a good thing...not a good thing at all. But she had to. She had to make it so Harry could only love her forever, even if it put her own heart at risk.
Pulling away, Ginny continued to hold Harry close, her hands intertwined in his unruly black hair. "I guess I could stay for a little..." she trailed off, still feeling woozy inside. "Or a little more than a little...if that's okay," she said, realizing she might have sounded completely ridiculous, but she couldn't help it. She couldn't shake that feeling.
[Steamy, steamy end! Hahaha. But yeah. END OF THREAD! For censorship reasons? Maybe...who knows. Lol. On to the next morning!]
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